I am up to my neck in a mess. I am not just busy yet bored, i am pathetically hurting, not just body aches and back aches, i am pissed off with the city and traffic, with work and people, with my family and my car, with the fact that i can't even keep a dog if i want to.
I want to live by myself, come home to the peace of just me and my dog, when i can have one, I can deal with work if i don't have to use my energy dealing with the madness at home. I can sleep anytime i want, walk in anytime i want to, eat what i choose to, live on my own rules. I need not constantly worry about what to do whom to talk to what to say, what to deal with. I can blissfully lead an existence with myself, and strangely, i know i wont be lonely. I will love it. If i am lonely when i am surrounded by people all the time i am sure it will work better when i am by myself.
I don't want anything to remind me of the things i want to forget about. I had much rather live alone than be with people i have to handle in whatever way. I am not scared of the dark or ghosts, i am not the kinds who needs body warmth to fall asleep, i never slept by my mom or ever put my head in her lap for comfort. I will still manage to meet whoever i want to when i feel like and get my rationed hugs, especially from mom for the new year, her birthday and mine and for mothers day.
I think i would any day prefer to be alone rather than with someone who will fight and want things from me and vice versa. I can't stand the idea. I really don't know when i will get a break from all this bull crap. Somehow, i feel i never will be rid of it anyway. Baggage, that's what it is and it has been following me around since i was a toddler.
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