I don’t know when it is that you feel most alive, when you’re down in the dumps or when you are in your element and bouncing around. Life opens and shuts in chapters and every chapter is a challenge. But nothing has been as bad or good or whatever it is. Black and white has grey, good and bad does not have a satisfying equivalent.
The last few months have been trying to say the least, terrible health, life changing decisions, work, now college and people to deal with. I have gotten myself into innumerable rows and locked horns with everyone that mattered. My temper has been on tenterhooks and my mood swings at their swinging best. I wish I had time to cool off, but everything and everyone is piling up and I do not have the time to sort.
It takes immense motivation from within the self to smile in the face of anger. You can smile at troubles or pain, but anger just spins out of control. There are times when I can’t think because I am so angry with myself for having messed something up. Being a perfectionist and wanting everything easy yet perfect just does not work. I am walking on the edge of a blade, I don’t know how deeply and how painfully I will be cut in two.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
My Baby's Day Out!
I spent two days with Diya, my two month old niece, the most enriching experience ever. The feeling of being so important to her as she held my finger or smiled up at me or stopped crying the minute i picked her up into my arms, or the way she looked as she slept on my lap. I baby sat her and changed her diapers and played with her and clicked pictures of her and rocked her and did everything for her.
I feel so complete and renewed, babies make you feel so good and my weekend has been filled with baby noises, baby smells and baby talk. I am now full of joy, Diya happiness i call it.
I feel so complete and renewed, babies make you feel so good and my weekend has been filled with baby noises, baby smells and baby talk. I am now full of joy, Diya happiness i call it.
SIC that became sick!
Ranga Shankara, 7:30 pm, Play entry and close of doors and sound of warning bell.
Me sitting all alone in the theater, Pavi delayed by traffic.
Play SIC, about three neighbours who share a lot more than a common corridor. Funny but a good old drag. Actors were brilliant though, that being the saving grace.
Dinner at cable car, a very ravenous lot we were and gave all the waiters a hard time.
Got home to misplaced keys that took an hour and the realization that I had locked them in the room. I had to go into the balcony, out my hand through the window and after enough of circus display i got myself in.
Tough day Friday.
Me sitting all alone in the theater, Pavi delayed by traffic.
Play SIC, about three neighbours who share a lot more than a common corridor. Funny but a good old drag. Actors were brilliant though, that being the saving grace.
Dinner at cable car, a very ravenous lot we were and gave all the waiters a hard time.
Got home to misplaced keys that took an hour and the realization that I had locked them in the room. I had to go into the balcony, out my hand through the window and after enough of circus display i got myself in.
Tough day Friday.
Great Society Blues!
Great Society is a blues band from Shillong and they play amazingly well. I was at b Flat on Thursday for their concert. I have heard them before, but the experience of watching them play live was absolutely brilliant.
After a long day at college and work, they were the best unwind medicine.The music was brilliant, the place was packed and my drink was the best on the menu. With Suneel and Sunil for company, the blues version of Knockin on heaven's door gained a whole new perspective.
A soul satisfying concert, listen to them, they have some totally brilliant guitar work and their sixty year old lead singer is just wow.
Soulmate is another band from Shillong that's a must hear.
After a long day at college and work, they were the best unwind medicine.The music was brilliant, the place was packed and my drink was the best on the menu. With Suneel and Sunil for company, the blues version of Knockin on heaven's door gained a whole new perspective.
A soul satisfying concert, listen to them, they have some totally brilliant guitar work and their sixty year old lead singer is just wow.
Soulmate is another band from Shillong that's a must hear.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Bloody Patriarchal World
Maybe it stems from the fact that I come from the other spectrum of the universe that of matriarchy or that my patience is lost with the world and the way it works. We were talking about media laws in class today and looking at the judicial system in countries across the world and some of the topics were just too reactionary to abstain from writing about them.
Women in America started voting in 1920, after the 19th amendment was passed. Till then they had no say in the politics of a country, goodness gracious. Not that I am all women’s liberation types or anything, but it’s just outright darned absurd. The ratio of men versus women is all messed up anyway. Men still treat women like they are inferior most of the times, sometimes there are inherently unconscious things they say or do that proves that its lineage. Passed down from generations.
The discussion of including laws in Afghanistan that legalize marital rape if you pay for any treatment later and starving the woman if she refuses to have sex with her husband. This is happening today, in the world we live in now. Where is the line? Is there one? Is there no respect for a woman because she is of another gender? Man is no superior, seriously. This is outrageous.
Even men in India are no less, I remember stopping a man on the road who was drunk and was hitting his wife brutally on the main road. Everyone was standing watching, this was at a bus stop. I was what sixteen and I was riding a bike with Pavi sitting behind me. I stopped the bike in front of him and asked him to stop and very calmly told him that I would call in the police. He was so drunk I could tell standing as far away as I was. The poor wife was shivering and cut and weeping and she asked me not to say anything or he’d hit her again. I finally managed to send her home and reported it to the community welfare center.
Even that was countered by the people standing around, they asked me why I interfered in something that was not my business and I laughed. Even back then, I did not have time to answer such atrocious questions.
My mom thinks I am an idealist and I will get into trouble with these things I keep doing, of which this incident was one. I’d much rather be an activist and idealist rather than be a spectator in this madness.
Human rights for heaven’s sake. Men and women, different but equal, who will drill this into every man’s head, living or dead or yet to be born.
Women in America started voting in 1920, after the 19th amendment was passed. Till then they had no say in the politics of a country, goodness gracious. Not that I am all women’s liberation types or anything, but it’s just outright darned absurd. The ratio of men versus women is all messed up anyway. Men still treat women like they are inferior most of the times, sometimes there are inherently unconscious things they say or do that proves that its lineage. Passed down from generations.
The discussion of including laws in Afghanistan that legalize marital rape if you pay for any treatment later and starving the woman if she refuses to have sex with her husband. This is happening today, in the world we live in now. Where is the line? Is there one? Is there no respect for a woman because she is of another gender? Man is no superior, seriously. This is outrageous.
Even men in India are no less, I remember stopping a man on the road who was drunk and was hitting his wife brutally on the main road. Everyone was standing watching, this was at a bus stop. I was what sixteen and I was riding a bike with Pavi sitting behind me. I stopped the bike in front of him and asked him to stop and very calmly told him that I would call in the police. He was so drunk I could tell standing as far away as I was. The poor wife was shivering and cut and weeping and she asked me not to say anything or he’d hit her again. I finally managed to send her home and reported it to the community welfare center.
Even that was countered by the people standing around, they asked me why I interfered in something that was not my business and I laughed. Even back then, I did not have time to answer such atrocious questions.
My mom thinks I am an idealist and I will get into trouble with these things I keep doing, of which this incident was one. I’d much rather be an activist and idealist rather than be a spectator in this madness.
Human rights for heaven’s sake. Men and women, different but equal, who will drill this into every man’s head, living or dead or yet to be born.
I like to move it move it!
I really do, I love to move it actually! LMAO, I remember saying this to my whole gang of boys, when Vijay came on his annual visit, all bloated with the beer he had guzzled in Germany. I have to dance and move it or I feel incomplete. I need to feel the music resonate in every cell of my body till I lose myself in the rhythm.
It feels like it’s been ages since I danced and let my body swing. I miss my classes and the students, all eager and smiling, the best thing to teach is dance and you forget everything else and just skip to the rhythm. Jazz is what I want to get back to apart from everything else. I can hear the dance floor calling.
It feels like it’s been ages since I danced and let my body swing. I miss my classes and the students, all eager and smiling, the best thing to teach is dance and you forget everything else and just skip to the rhythm. Jazz is what I want to get back to apart from everything else. I can hear the dance floor calling.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Traffic and Monday blues!
As I sat in the car driving to a wedding last night, I lost my patience entirely. It took me six whole minutes each to clear all the signals on my way and even at eight the roads were spewing out traffic. I saw an era pass by me as I waited for the signals to take pity on me and change colour.
The roads are bad and the traffic runs riot, everyone is in such a hurry. The women drive badly enough but the men behave like absolute jackasses. I think all the gorgeous women in Bangalore are sitting out in their houses waiting for them desperately, that’s the only possible explanation for the kind of rush the men on roads seem to be in.
The traffic gets worse by the day and my patience keeps waxing and waning which is not the greatest of things.
The roads are bad and the traffic runs riot, everyone is in such a hurry. The women drive badly enough but the men behave like absolute jackasses. I think all the gorgeous women in Bangalore are sitting out in their houses waiting for them desperately, that’s the only possible explanation for the kind of rush the men on roads seem to be in.
The traffic gets worse by the day and my patience keeps waxing and waning which is not the greatest of things.
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Weekend Hangover
It started on Thursday night, the weekend began then. I went for ‘love aaj kal’ and sat through it because my sister happened to tell everyone that Deepika reminded her of me. I shall reserve my comments on that one. I went with my dear fiancé, Prabhu, who got very restless and bored and the result was that we got out before the movie ended.
Friday breezed past with college and then the Independence Day celebrations at work. There was a housie game and I was laden with chocolates by the end of it. In full desi spirit I was dressed in green pants a white kurti and a saffron dupatta. In retrospect, I think the dupatta was taking it too far.
Friday night was when it began, a dinner at Eurasia and a long beautiful drive, the night sky was lit intermittently by flashes of lightning and it looked like a whole road was lighting up just for us to drive into. Midnight got even better as we sat fooling around with my camera, it started pouring and I had to jump in and get wet top to toe. Pavi joined me for a bit, but she was dry enough to not change out of her clothes. Cranberry juice in long stemmed glasses and songs lost to the winds. It was the perfect party and Pavi and I were dressed as twins, just added to all the fun.
Saturday was lazy and late; I woke up into the afternoon and then a lazier lunch, walks in the green fields and then iced tea at barista. Pavi and I spent all our time lazing and basking in the clouds and filtered sunlight. The dinner was quick and then we watched how to lose a guy in 10 days, on a screen that was huge and a theater was all to ourselves, special screening for us exclusively. The night was breezy and starlit and we had pomegranate juice this time in the glasses. We lay down in the balcony on a mat and star gazed and sang. I sat on the window sill of the car and then moved to the bonnet and as we drove around the breeze played in my hair. I think the best part of a drive is when you get to sit outside the car and take in everything from the breeze to the skies.
Sunday was the drive back and it was cloudy and breezy again. I came back and started a long overdue photo shoot, the results of which are very satisfying. Pavi and I then went about again doing odd jobs and shopping. Evening was lazy and I had a long lovely shower and then a walk on the terrace arm in arm with Prabhu. We then went on to read Tagore’s Gitanjali, and then a mom made dinner followed by spoons of condensed milk. Rain greeted Monday morning and here I am dressed in woolens and snuggling into my chair. What a weekend. I am still hungover from it.
Friday breezed past with college and then the Independence Day celebrations at work. There was a housie game and I was laden with chocolates by the end of it. In full desi spirit I was dressed in green pants a white kurti and a saffron dupatta. In retrospect, I think the dupatta was taking it too far.
Friday night was when it began, a dinner at Eurasia and a long beautiful drive, the night sky was lit intermittently by flashes of lightning and it looked like a whole road was lighting up just for us to drive into. Midnight got even better as we sat fooling around with my camera, it started pouring and I had to jump in and get wet top to toe. Pavi joined me for a bit, but she was dry enough to not change out of her clothes. Cranberry juice in long stemmed glasses and songs lost to the winds. It was the perfect party and Pavi and I were dressed as twins, just added to all the fun.
Saturday was lazy and late; I woke up into the afternoon and then a lazier lunch, walks in the green fields and then iced tea at barista. Pavi and I spent all our time lazing and basking in the clouds and filtered sunlight. The dinner was quick and then we watched how to lose a guy in 10 days, on a screen that was huge and a theater was all to ourselves, special screening for us exclusively. The night was breezy and starlit and we had pomegranate juice this time in the glasses. We lay down in the balcony on a mat and star gazed and sang. I sat on the window sill of the car and then moved to the bonnet and as we drove around the breeze played in my hair. I think the best part of a drive is when you get to sit outside the car and take in everything from the breeze to the skies.
Sunday was the drive back and it was cloudy and breezy again. I came back and started a long overdue photo shoot, the results of which are very satisfying. Pavi and I then went about again doing odd jobs and shopping. Evening was lazy and I had a long lovely shower and then a walk on the terrace arm in arm with Prabhu. We then went on to read Tagore’s Gitanjali, and then a mom made dinner followed by spoons of condensed milk. Rain greeted Monday morning and here I am dressed in woolens and snuggling into my chair. What a weekend. I am still hungover from it.
An unbroken jinx...
I am shower jinxed. Like completely, maybe I did something really bad to a shower sometime in the past. Every single time I have to use a shower it either breaks or does not work or some such shower related mishap happens.
I don’t remember the last time I turned on a tap, (the one with the shower option with it) and the tap came on. Never has it been kind enough to not shower my whole being with water spewing down on me. Sigh, I have had so many of these, yet I never manage to remember to keep my eyes open to see if it’s on shower mode or tap mode.
With such an obsessive compulsive nature that drives me to the taps in alien houses to wash my feet all the time, I don’t see a respite from the showers and I don’t have any hopes of developing a careful outlook to life ever! So I resign to the fact that I am shower jinxed and live with it.
I don’t remember the last time I turned on a tap, (the one with the shower option with it) and the tap came on. Never has it been kind enough to not shower my whole being with water spewing down on me. Sigh, I have had so many of these, yet I never manage to remember to keep my eyes open to see if it’s on shower mode or tap mode.
With such an obsessive compulsive nature that drives me to the taps in alien houses to wash my feet all the time, I don’t see a respite from the showers and I don’t have any hopes of developing a careful outlook to life ever! So I resign to the fact that I am shower jinxed and live with it.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Contemplation
There is something amiss, some small section of a jigsaw missing. I know what it is, but I can’t put my finger on it. Strange, how familiar it seems. I have lived in this knowledge now for a few days. The patterns and monotony is now an everyday thing. But I am not sure how easy starting something new will be.
I am confused and I am wondering if everything is the way it is supposed to be or is there a factor I have left unattended. I don’t know and right now, I don’t even have enough time to care.
I am confused and I am wondering if everything is the way it is supposed to be or is there a factor I have left unattended. I don’t know and right now, I don’t even have enough time to care.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
It’s a gui feeling!
The story of Gui had its roots in a trip to Alleppy. It’s like Gui, you don’t know Gui? That was all I heard all through the trip. I had my own definition to Gui, which is why everyone started the Gui thing in the first place.
Gui is a feeling, the feeling of warmth when you are cold, the Goosebumps and the back tickle and you twitch because you are cold and there is a shiver in your spine.
Gui is how you feel when you are blushing or gushing or are just awed in an afterglow.
Gui is nice and slow and soft. It is all cozy and snuggly, gui is just amazing when felt. Even your brain like the tips of your fingers can feel the gui. Gui is after all, a state of being.
Gui is like a wave sweeping over and trees swishing in loud whispers, like leaves tickling the insides of your palms, gui is everything beautiful, Gui is the way to be!
Gui is a feeling, the feeling of warmth when you are cold, the Goosebumps and the back tickle and you twitch because you are cold and there is a shiver in your spine.
Gui is how you feel when you are blushing or gushing or are just awed in an afterglow.
Gui is nice and slow and soft. It is all cozy and snuggly, gui is just amazing when felt. Even your brain like the tips of your fingers can feel the gui. Gui is after all, a state of being.
Gui is like a wave sweeping over and trees swishing in loud whispers, like leaves tickling the insides of your palms, gui is everything beautiful, Gui is the way to be!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Snarls and Smiles
There is no such thing as a free lunch. Everything comes in packages. No one is true or truthful. All hypocrites in guises of sweet human beings. Disdainful and disgusting. There are tolerance levels and there are limits to being mean and getting away with it. What seems all nice today might just fight back tomorrow.
There are people that are nice not because they don’t know how to be nasty, but because they choose to be good. I can bite off and yell and scream and behave in malicious wickedness but I prefer to deal with the world with a smile not with a snarl. That does not mean I am naïve or weak. Watch out, or I will sharpen my claws. You can’t mess with me, if you are, I am letting you and watching the game and sniggering.
There are people that are nice not because they don’t know how to be nasty, but because they choose to be good. I can bite off and yell and scream and behave in malicious wickedness but I prefer to deal with the world with a smile not with a snarl. That does not mean I am naïve or weak. Watch out, or I will sharpen my claws. You can’t mess with me, if you are, I am letting you and watching the game and sniggering.
Friday, August 7, 2009
A day that was today...
Today has turned to tomorrow. It has been a long day, now a routine of sorts. Started at six and had a stint of work at the office, then college till three and back to the office. The joy of knowing that Pavi made it through CISA and EnY kept me going. She deserves every moment of happiness and pride she feels as she has worked her soul inside out to achieve this today.
Tomorrow, now today, has memories, nice memories, of nice times. But i will think about that tomorrow, just to add a Scarlett O' Hara touch. Today was a day of heights. After the fiasco at the office, i had to fix, i shut it down, i shut everything else down and i left for a celebration.
Pavi's celebration of what life held in store. We sat there, on the 13th Floor, with all of bangalore spread out before us, the lights of Mantri Altius, UB city, Koshy's flickering signboard, the lights of vehicles passing by, MG road sprawling out down below. The sky was perfect, the moon hidden in a thick sheet of cloud and the light all fuzzing out in a bug halo through the layers. Then the rain, like magic, danced her drizzle. She poured down and we sat there soaking up the raindrops and watched their descent in the hazy light.
The evening was splendid, the things that was said in not just words, the smiles and the laughter, everything a celebration. Absolute laugh riot madness and crazy hysteria, all the way. To life and living, to Pavi and soul mates.
Tomorrow, now today, has memories, nice memories, of nice times. But i will think about that tomorrow, just to add a Scarlett O' Hara touch. Today was a day of heights. After the fiasco at the office, i had to fix, i shut it down, i shut everything else down and i left for a celebration.
Pavi's celebration of what life held in store. We sat there, on the 13th Floor, with all of bangalore spread out before us, the lights of Mantri Altius, UB city, Koshy's flickering signboard, the lights of vehicles passing by, MG road sprawling out down below. The sky was perfect, the moon hidden in a thick sheet of cloud and the light all fuzzing out in a bug halo through the layers. Then the rain, like magic, danced her drizzle. She poured down and we sat there soaking up the raindrops and watched their descent in the hazy light.
The evening was splendid, the things that was said in not just words, the smiles and the laughter, everything a celebration. Absolute laugh riot madness and crazy hysteria, all the way. To life and living, to Pavi and soul mates.
Strays
There are so many thoughts running through my head. I have so much to write about and i am short of time. I think of something and i forget about it entirely as i have passed over the thought and i am buried in so many others.
They are straying into the recesses of the mind and are reading into the nuances of the images in my head. It is a blue feeling at times and blah at times. Thoughts are so unbounded and wander in so much freedom without the realms of anything holding them back. They are swimming in imaginative creativity, blending into reality and suspend all else. I wish everyday in my life was like that, a journey into unbounded alternate reality, just straying to places my soul and spirit choose to wander about in, just to be in absolute suspension, away from all else.
They are straying into the recesses of the mind and are reading into the nuances of the images in my head. It is a blue feeling at times and blah at times. Thoughts are so unbounded and wander in so much freedom without the realms of anything holding them back. They are swimming in imaginative creativity, blending into reality and suspend all else. I wish everyday in my life was like that, a journey into unbounded alternate reality, just straying to places my soul and spirit choose to wander about in, just to be in absolute suspension, away from all else.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
A list
My mind is craving for a rest, I am feeling all drained and I need to figure out a way to sort out the tangles in my head. I am suffering from an overload and there are too many strands of thought slipping away unattended to. I want a pensieve, to draw them out and put them in tiny vials so I can look at them at a later stage.
How I envy Hermione and her time turner, she has enough time and when she needs more, she just turns it, one turn one hour. Or I could also do with an extra added 24 hours a day. The things I can manage then wow, now that is topping my wish list which includes:
More Time, lots of it
Some more travelling around the world
A cave behind a waterfall and green ivy curtains
A lovely lab or pug or golden retriever to call my own
A lot more greenery and no tree felling
Bike rides, car rides, glider and jet rides and boat rides
Rappelling, Climbing, Sporting
The sun, sands, seas and stretching beaches
Cameras and pictures
Technology
A bullet for myself
Lots of ice creams and my favourite junk without messing my skin or adding to my waistline
Great Health and some more energy
Freedom from stupid politics at work or elsewhere
Nicer people who are not playing games and are genuine
The freedom to enjoy my happiness and peace
Lesser advice and lesser interference
Some of them are easy, some impossible, som every attainable. So I will manage to get some and not get some, but what the heck, I’m trying and I have no idea of giving up at all. ;)
How I envy Hermione and her time turner, she has enough time and when she needs more, she just turns it, one turn one hour. Or I could also do with an extra added 24 hours a day. The things I can manage then wow, now that is topping my wish list which includes:
More Time, lots of it
Some more travelling around the world
A cave behind a waterfall and green ivy curtains
A lovely lab or pug or golden retriever to call my own
A lot more greenery and no tree felling
Bike rides, car rides, glider and jet rides and boat rides
Rappelling, Climbing, Sporting
The sun, sands, seas and stretching beaches
Cameras and pictures
Technology
A bullet for myself
Lots of ice creams and my favourite junk without messing my skin or adding to my waistline
Great Health and some more energy
Freedom from stupid politics at work or elsewhere
Nicer people who are not playing games and are genuine
The freedom to enjoy my happiness and peace
Lesser advice and lesser interference
Some of them are easy, some impossible, som every attainable. So I will manage to get some and not get some, but what the heck, I’m trying and I have no idea of giving up at all. ;)
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
A red kinda BLAH!
Let me count the times is an interesting story, I remember reading Martin Amis in English Honors’ three years ago. It was about how many times and in how many ways the narrator of the story had made love to his wife.
I am talking about counting the times, yes, but I am referring to the number of times I have lost my temper and behaved in an unpardonable manner. I lost it today; I saw red again for the nth time this month. I have been rude and angry and upset in turns, I would love to blame it on the hormones in the body but sadly even they are running in my blood stream and I should have a semblance of control over them at least.
I am disappointed that I have given in to these feelings and emotions running havoc in my brain and I have barely managed to escape a bout of anger harbored against me. God bless my soul, and I hope I find some peace somewhere soon. Sigh!
I am talking about counting the times, yes, but I am referring to the number of times I have lost my temper and behaved in an unpardonable manner. I lost it today; I saw red again for the nth time this month. I have been rude and angry and upset in turns, I would love to blame it on the hormones in the body but sadly even they are running in my blood stream and I should have a semblance of control over them at least.
I am disappointed that I have given in to these feelings and emotions running havoc in my brain and I have barely managed to escape a bout of anger harbored against me. God bless my soul, and I hope I find some peace somewhere soon. Sigh!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Revealing Reflections!
It was a short little walk. From the car to yoga class, just about four minutes. It was a monsoony evening typical of Bangalore. The clouds catching the rays of the sun as it dipped into its golden red broth far away at the horizon. The moon nicely basking in the sunlight and smiling down all gibbous and bursting, like it was time to kiss goodbye to dusk and welcome the darkness of the night.
I walked slowly taking it all in and thinking of what had happened to me all day. I had come back to where I was a year ago, running and hopping from one place to another counting my time and money by the minute of the hour. I had looked at my watch a dozen times every hour or so and i had covered college, work and yoga all in a tangle of today and this was just the beginning. I had so much work I logged in from home and every time the thought of ‘oh I’ll do that in the morning came up’, I’d end up realizing that the mornings were now sorted into classes. From Muay Thai at six to college that ended by half past three.
Reminded me of times when I would have my tiny book all filled up with appointments and people to meet for business or to collect payments or new prospects and clients. That was when I drove all over town running my own little errands. That was when I taught theater and danced, when I wrote and free lanced, anchored and managed events ad did every odd thing that I fancied. That was not like now though, now it’s much altered. I am doing what I want to and what I have chosen to. My days are just as packed as they used to be, but there is a pattern here. I know what is happening tomorrow, I can dance to the rhythm of it with ease.
I don’t know if I should be excited by a change I anticipated or I should be very Miss Cool about it. I know what I am planning to say no to tomorrow. I am refusing to go perform a dance I am going to Choreograph. Otherwise, under old normal myself circumstances, I would have jumped at the very thought of going back to the stage and feeling all the madness in my veins and the head rush. But I will have to make do with the borrowed euphoria of the team if they go on and win the competition and resign myself to the fact that it is time to say no and to priorities work and college and juggle all that without burning myself out.
Wow! A three minute walk and so much revelation, truly amazing. Well, what can I say, I see someone is growing older and warming up to words like priority and responsibility and what can be done and what is humanly impossible to get done. I believe I am Super girl, but how and when and where will I draw a line?
I walked slowly taking it all in and thinking of what had happened to me all day. I had come back to where I was a year ago, running and hopping from one place to another counting my time and money by the minute of the hour. I had looked at my watch a dozen times every hour or so and i had covered college, work and yoga all in a tangle of today and this was just the beginning. I had so much work I logged in from home and every time the thought of ‘oh I’ll do that in the morning came up’, I’d end up realizing that the mornings were now sorted into classes. From Muay Thai at six to college that ended by half past three.
Reminded me of times when I would have my tiny book all filled up with appointments and people to meet for business or to collect payments or new prospects and clients. That was when I drove all over town running my own little errands. That was when I taught theater and danced, when I wrote and free lanced, anchored and managed events ad did every odd thing that I fancied. That was not like now though, now it’s much altered. I am doing what I want to and what I have chosen to. My days are just as packed as they used to be, but there is a pattern here. I know what is happening tomorrow, I can dance to the rhythm of it with ease.
I don’t know if I should be excited by a change I anticipated or I should be very Miss Cool about it. I know what I am planning to say no to tomorrow. I am refusing to go perform a dance I am going to Choreograph. Otherwise, under old normal myself circumstances, I would have jumped at the very thought of going back to the stage and feeling all the madness in my veins and the head rush. But I will have to make do with the borrowed euphoria of the team if they go on and win the competition and resign myself to the fact that it is time to say no and to priorities work and college and juggle all that without burning myself out.
Wow! A three minute walk and so much revelation, truly amazing. Well, what can I say, I see someone is growing older and warming up to words like priority and responsibility and what can be done and what is humanly impossible to get done. I believe I am Super girl, but how and when and where will I draw a line?
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