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New Year Beckons excitement!

The last week of the year seems to be shaping up just fine. All travel plans this month flopped thanks to my health, but this week is looking up and looking good. After a long stint of working and entertaining strangers on every New Years Eve, the change is welcome, the last two years have been fun, and hosting my own party at home is so exciting. Pallu the co-host is just as excited and we are looking forward to three things, Avatar 3D, the party and our trip to Mysore on Saturday Yaay Yaay Yaay!

Absconding!

I have been absconding and tackling complex things like exams and joblessness and more recently planning and shaping new work responsibilities. I am slowed down by everything around me, everyday is passing at a gentle pace and I am wondering when the god damned year will end.

I want closure for all the things that were majorly messed up this year, significant changes and life changing decisions, patterns that have simmered, smoked, and burned out. I have wrung out feelings, squeezed them, washed them clean ad hung them out to dry. Pumped myself with enough toxins and medication. I hope that the cleaning will last the next year.

It has not been all bad, there have been moments that made the year worth living, all the travel and the spas and resorts. Singapore, Dubai, Wayanad for Valentines, Coorg, Angsana twice, Guhantara, Delhi, Pune, Kerala, Chikmaglur, Farmhouses, parties and Beer Fest and madness.

The absconding has helped! Can’t wait for the next year.

The World from Behind my Orange Tinted Glasses!

Imagine twilight at all times in the day, the whole world bathed in an orange glow, like someone drew up a sunshade over the earth. The sky always bathed in a beautiful glow. Well, that's how it is for me, the world from behind my sun glasses.

Ist's!

The New Indian Express: Slightly Extremist

The Hindu: Socialist

The Times of India: Sensationalist

hark! Infidel!

A couple of days ago I met yet another third rate two timing bas****. I told him that and also that i thought his wife was no good because she married him in the first place. I was as rude as I could get and my tongue was so sharp and lashing throughout and in retrospect, I know I wasted my words and thought on another infidel.

The man in question fell in love with his wife when she was sixteen and a decade later, married her. Seven years into wedlock with a son to add to the equation, he had the audacity to sit with his drink and coolly state that his wife could not give him everything, so he went to other women for excitement. “I love my wife, but she can’t give me what I want, I want girlfriends, because they wear short dresses, rub me around and dirty dance with me and they are not shy, ”he said, I knew I wasted my vehemence.

“She’s been gymming for years but she can never have a waist like yours,” was the next statement, it was getting beyond tolerance levels. I had met so many like him through my years in the industry and I had been approached in even worse ways. However, to know that this someone was not a client or a business associate and was a friend of a friend was putting off. I mean what is with this world and infidelity.
I wrote up something for a newsletter called The Write Angle about infidelity and here it is:

The flowers, candlelit dinners, vacations, surprise presents and wooing is all passé, what a woman has to expect today and be extremely content with if her expectations are met, is fidelity from her man. Straying men and women have always existed and affairs are no longer ‘eyebrow rising’ factors in India. The number of people who are in serious relationships and marriages still look for the occasional or ever so frequent fling.

The office and work atmosphere affairs are ever so common and indulgence is easy. “We find condoms in our trash every other day and they come in from different sections of the office, the office is open round the clock and management cannot be keeping tabs and put more than the necessary number of security guards on the job.”, says Radha Srikanth, an HR manager in a reputed BPO.

“I love my wife, but she cannot give me everything I want, so I look for it outside and I find girlfriends easily enough. My wife does not have a clue and I make sure I do everything right to not let her know.” says Viji, a businessperson in the city.
Most men in serious relationships expect their wives and girlfriends’ to be the epitome of fidelity and even state proudly that they are men and are allowed to stray whereas my woman belongs only to me. “I will kill her if she as much thinks of another man,” says the straying Viji when asked how he would react if the circumstances were to be reversed.

Prostitution gives men who do not have the time for affairs the vent to their straying nature. “Sex is different, sleeping with someone other than my wife is entertainment for me and as long as I love my wife, I don’t see taking on paid services from a sex worker for a one night stand as a problem,” says Manjunath, a travels owner.

Fidelity in marriage is becoming questionable as both the sexes look for opportunities to stray. The stress of work, the need for excitement or just an immediate gratification of desire could be the cause of the increasing number of people looking for a fling outside their relationships.
There are people who do not buy into the idea although they are surrounded by infidels and cuckolds. “As long as you feel you are hurting someone, you should not. The definition of infidelity is not just a physical manifesto,” says Vishwas Kulkarni, Project Manager, OFSS.

“When love becomes labored we welcome an act of infidelity towards ourselves to free us from fidelity,” said the French author François de la Rochefoucauld.

Fidelity and infidelity are now grey areas and people have varying perspectives of acceptance and non-acceptance.

I have a lot more to say about this but I shall refrain for lack of patience with the topic and time…

The Naxalite Idea of an Idea

The complete truth of an idea lies in the thought behind the idea. I read a very interesting blog about a set of people who conform to the Marxist-Leninist-Maoist theories. The blog is sinister and revealing. There are elements of the third perspective very clearly prevalent in the pages.

Oscar Wilde’s quote, ‘An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all”, features in the blog.

Interesting, the way they talk about ideas and the idea itself versus the upholder of the idea. A strange train of thought, supremely insightful, yet profound.

Is violent protest and talking of lives an answer to problems in our country and no matter what the cause, its the means that define the end.

Nirvana

The idea of Nirvana and an escape from the eternal cycle of rebirth has fascinated cultures and generations of people across the globe.

The minute you say Nirvana and take the path of a pilgrim in the quest of nirvana, is it not a slanderous, unfaithful way to treat the life you are currently living? Is life a separate entity from God or the supreme power? Can life be God in itself or are they separate and individual.

If Mother Nature gave rise to civilizations and the big bang theory is indeed the way life sprang up, then God would be the life Gaea gave to life forms. The soul of the earth would then possess the power of the Supreme Being.

If nirvana were reversed and life were revered and the religion of God preached that all man, animal and plant survive and blossom and find heaven and earth in every life, now and after, it would be a new angle emerging.

Vertical vs Horizontal

The idea of vertical versus horizontal. I shall explain that in a bit. The iced tea conversation turned into a tequila monologue of sorts. We sat there talking about men and women and how there is an 8:1 ratio of single men to single women. He had written this brilliant piece with vectors and triangles and we spoke about the cornerstones of the triangle.

Su and I go a long way back, the best of friends, through BMS and Joseph’s, through Prague and school and work, to films and full night conversations, we lived it all. I was the cul sec for Joseph’s then and Su was working for Utsav, the BMSCE cultural festival. Well, we thought we had registered and then realized calling in with confirmation was not registration. I was fuming, my teams had put in hours of practice and Joseph’s teams had an Utsav history, we always won.

It was a communication gap, which led to my hyperventilating over the phone to one of the coordinators, this boy found it impossible to deal with me. He conveniently passed on an enraged me into the hands of poor unsuspecting Su. It started then I messaged back to apologize for having lost my temper and he actually let us participate.

Su sounded great on the phone and I was looking forward to meeting him after a weeklong conversation over texts and calls. I was stunned to see a little boy in a wine coloured Kurta with a beard meet me, I had my glasses on so I am sure both of us were stunned by each other’s appearances. Su is one of mum’s favourites and my aunt seems to have a soft corner for him too. His disappointment lies in the fact that all mothers like him and it ends there, the daughters apparently are not so interested. Well, we just grew from there and are now the best of friends although there are times when we do not see eye to eye and he teases me for being so self involved. All in good spirits.

Coming back to the conversation today, it was Su and iced tea at Casablanka and it was his piece of nonfiction I was reading. We spoke about how height had become a huge impact factor for women here in India as they did not have a keen interest in boys slightly shorter than themselves. Su might disagree and say they do not have an interest at all, but that’s that. So, height racism as I want to call it, for lack of a better word, is something that plays a huge role in categorizing a suitable male for the average Indian woman.

Su says it is only in India the women have this notion that the men have to be taller than they are. Well, maybe so. He also says the women have a mind block and they associate more to the height of a man than it appears, well I’ll just try illustrating it:



He says hypothetically length or height of figure need not necessarily be related to figure b. ;) Therefore, the joke, the vertical versus the horizontal relation.

Here is the piece of art that Su boy wrote that led to the whole thought:
http://rapidshare.com/files/306064386/The_triangle_paradox.pdf

S tar ry

I love newly tarred roads, they sparkle and shine as the silica shimmers on, every step is like a million reflections strewn over, the feeling is just amazing. Levelled tarred roads, the sound of your footsteps that dance in rhythm to the winds and the stars that twinkle down benevolently, the best feeling ever.

Walls of Society

Oppressive walls of society, makes me laugh. Are the walls they have built shields or are they forts from where the attacks are launched? Living on the margins of society, reminds me of the three witches in Macbeth, ostracized and living in a world, they were not accepted in.

Is madness a reason, being rebellious and eccentric another? To not conform to the ideals of discipline laid out and to be a free spirit living on terms and rules created by the self an aberration that levies a heavy price. Of not being accepted and having to be stereotyped and pushed away into the margins of society and social living.

Everyone has idiosyncrasies and traits of eccentric behavior and the imbalance results when the extremes are tackled and boundaries are pushed. Is it right to cast away the vagabond explorers of the mind and soul as people improper and not in keeping with a society created in a framework set by another person. Everything is manmade, even religion and governments, how does society become an exception?

Of Crushes and Heartaches

I was reflecting on a price of writing I had just analyzed, it had a particular question that irked me, triggered a memory that was not so comfortable. When I was young, I never had any crushes like all the girls, I grew up a perfect tomboy and I was just not interested in any of the boys that claimed that I was the love of their lives.

As I grew older, I thought I was slightly abnormal that my hormones did not trigger off any heart melting feelings or mush, but I thought it was cool and most of the girls seemed silly anyway, so I appeared cold hearted and I like it that way.
By the time I was in college, I thought I was asexual, without any sexual preferences. This was probably to do with the way I was brought up and the fact that I spent all the time I had with boys, biking, climbing trees, looking at fast cars, listening to the boys talking about their lovelorn lives. This could also have been a result of some history I had which did not gel well with my composure and self-image. So, I just let it be.

However, to say that I never had a crush would be slander. I did have them, but until a lot later, I never realized it was a crush. A crush or a soft corner in the folds of my heart that seemed wrapped in cold, scaly rough folds. Boys look at everything differently and in retrospect, I never really understood the way I felt because I was stuck. I was a growing girl growing up with boys all around me and I never had a proper girlfriend to talk to until I was eighteen.

I then met Literature, I learnt the difference, and I understood the nuances, ever so slight of love and fluttering eyelashes and heartbeats. I fell in love with the books, the romance and drama of Shakespeare, the magic realism of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Post Modernist Poetry, Neruda, TS Eliot, Robert Frost, Donne, Metarealism of Russian poets, Milan Kundera, Khalil Gibran, O Henry, Amrita Pritam, Kamala Das, EM Foster, Hemmingway, Cronin… The list was endless and the library brimming as I sifted through the shelves of literature discovering the fairy tale heroes and devouring their stories.

I was spinning out of control in worlds that the books created for me and I was falling in love with the characters and my professors who taught me to enjoy my Macbeth and the three witches as much as I reflected on lesbian writing. I finally understood and reflected on my past. Here is what I discovered.

“Someday you'll find a man, a good man, and you'll love him, and marry him, and live and die for him. And I'll be hanged if I stand by and watch.”

I was eleven when I first read little women and I was in love with Laurie from the time he met Jo, I was Jo, I lived every word of the book and I was heartbroken when Jo refused him and sent him away so cruelly, he was the first to have captured so much of my attention.

Little did I know the lack of interest in real men stemmed from this, the fact that I had every single kind of man I wanted and needed I had with me, and the fact that they were unreal never seemed to bother me. That probably explains the lack of crushes. Even now, Hugh Jackman and a few others just manage to capture an ounce of my attention, but it stops there yet again. My crushes live in the pages I read. They are more alive and real than the real ones.

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

That was Rhett Butler, one of the most impacting characters in my life, he came alive from the pages of Gone with the Wind and captured my heart when I was just thirteen.

Falling head over heels in love then was easy when it was a fictitious hero and that’s exactly what I did, fell like nine pins for him and his extremely magnetic personality, a maverick with courage strength and what not. The book just made my life so different. As I think of what this book did to me, I get Goosebumps. But all this was a long time ago.

Now, I am so madly in love and this time its for real, its not a fairy tale hero or a character from a book. I know what love is because today it goes beyond everything I ever felt. I am marrying the one man I actually in reality fell for, a real blood and flesh man, who is the best thing to have ever happened and the romance in my life is so much more enriching than any classic, drama or epic. He is all the Laurie’s and Rhett Butlers of the world rolled into one, beyond my understanding of love as it is.

Absolute Self Possession

It is a bloody democracy a free world of thought action and expression. However, am I free to be me? Bull crap, which is what it is. Free to be me, the zany, lazy, eccentric, wandering fool if I want to be. Hmmm, I wonder if I can be so, just do only as I please without reflection on the impact of my actions on anyone or anything, dissociated from it all. It’s just a passing thought, if such an existence is even imaginable, let alone plausible, is it sacrilege to be self involved or self possessed or self centered, I don’t really know, I have met such people and frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

I would want that disjunction from it all, even for an experiment, the idea is truly enticing.

A bliss that is lasting, an afterglow of sorts

I am feeling so full of energy and zest today. Yoga is back in my life again and after just two classes I am feeling so perfectly at peace and my muscles and brain seem to be able to take so much more. Fresh and smiling.

Monday’s class was tiring and exhaustive, but today I am feeling used to it again, it has been almost five months since I have been regular to class. I did the rope sheershasan today and it is the best ever, the ropes tied together and climbing up the wall and the final inversion, I had forgotten the feeling, it is like rediscovering me.

The best part is now I have the time for it on the days I am in town at least.

The Year of the Hair

I am a mushroom head! Sandy told me this in Delhi the last time. I am wondering why all the hair talk is happening in my head. Oh yes, I looked in the mirror today and I told myself it was a nice hair day, I had shampooed and conditioned and since I have such a “bouncy volume of silky shining lustrous tresses” as a certain fan someone had called it, it looked nice.

Then, the image in the mirror frowned at me, my last haircut was a disaster and Prabhu boy was planning murder, he vowed to kill the hairdresser. This was after I had lost the long and flowing look to the super short reaching almost up to my ear look.

Hmmm, let me start at the beginning of the beginning. I had very long hair, extending to below my shoulder blades and this was at the beginning of this year. I went to Singapore on a vacation and I wanted a change like an entirely new look, the last time the urge happened, I got my nose pierced, this time I thought a haircut would satiate the desire.

I set out halfway into the duration of my trip to Kimage, one of the best salons there and walked in, I was excited and the anticipation made me shaky all over. It’s just a haircut woman, relax!!! Well, that is what I kept telling myself. The guy who was attending to me was very very cute, I don’t really know if it was because of the change he made to my persona or if he was in reality cute, but anyway…

I sat there flipping through a magazine as he washed and dried my hair and all that. The minute he took the scissors, I became all stiff and he kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to chop off the length entirely. I just nodded and told him he could create his masterpiece, but I am not sure he understood. He started and long strands of my hair started falling to the floor, at the end of almost an hour, he combed and set and blow dried my hair and flipped me around so I could see. Ecstatic, jumping and bouncing with glee I paid up 40 dollars and told him I’d come back from India if I needed another such makeover.

Still bouncing, I landed up home where my aunt was waiting, she was very apprehensive as this was being done on her permission alone and mom had no clue. I was feverish with excitement and we clicked pictures and went bonkers about it. She said she had never thought a haircut can give someone so much to be joyous about.

The next part was hard, breaking the news to mom. Phew! We got on skype and Pras started video chat with mom and I slowly slid into the frame, mom’s only reaction was, “Prasanna, I can’t believe you let her do this, her next reaction, well, never mind, all I’ll say is she finally managed to say that no one in India could maintain the look. That was the story of how I got it, now three haircuts later, I agree with her and I am hoping and wishing I will have my tresses back soon.

“My head looks like a mushroom in that picture thanks to my hair”, I said and Rags, very unsympathetically replied, “you didn’t know that, well it’s not just in the picture you know”. That is where it started, the narrative of this story.

So, here’s to not looking like a mushroom head anymore, and to hoping that by my Feb trip to Delhi, Sandy boy will have something nicer to say.

City Bloxx, the death of me!

I sit crouched over the phone for hours and with my super sickening eye sight its not the most recommended thing. But I am addicted to the darned thing, not the messages or the calls, but City Bloxx the game on my phone.

You have a huge plot of land and you have to build your city by adding new buildings, as you build you grow in population and with that you get more posh and newer types of buildings. Goodness this will be the death of me, I am playing all the time glued to the tiny screen.

Avi, Varsha andb Bharat have vowed to delete it, but miraculously when they did try the only game on the phone that did not het erased was this.

An addiction that I am living with and I am putting the people around me though it as well. Well, I am playing now also. Sigh. Some things just cannot be helped. It was age of empires before, well this now!

Resolve!

Its flimsy and weak, but its tried and tested too. The last time i abstained it was for about a month. I did not indulge or divulge into the craving desire. I was so sure of my ability for control, I just swooshed through with flying colours, now i am not so sure. Its become an addiction of sorts, an unending saga. The eternal fight...

Alright alright, I am gonna give up eating outside food, at least I'm going to try, Real hard this time for sure.

The lasts that last.

There are some memories that last for ever. The last few days have been full of them. What with the Prav and Som wedding happening with all the dance practices and the last day at work and four days of partying on a trot with college and other things interspersed in between, I have been living it up entirely.

The Prav Som wedding is the big thing of the year. This week is super packed with the dances for the Sangeet, Mehndi, Muhurtam, The Church Wedding, name it and they have it. Its beautiful to watch them so lost in their wedding world and in each other so oblivious of anything else. Watching them dance together is a treat to the eye. Its their dream wedding come true, just as they had wanted it and its such a feel good thing to share the joy.

The more fun parts are the dance bits and the anchoring bots that i am doing with Teddy finally! Both of us have been professionally Emeeing for around four years now and we are on stage together for the first time, the engagement I did not MC, thanks to office.

Then there was the last day at work, fruit beer at Noble House, loooong day wrapping up at work and a small pre halloween stunt at Athena followed by a late dinner at kentacky, of Dosa and chutney with Pavi, Nish and Prabhu boy in the car. Saturday was more fun, bout of illness, a big tiff, dance practice and the Halloween at Aira. Suneel, Pinks, Marie, Vikita, Assailor, Prabhu Boy and I. Marie was the Joker, him and his joker bites ;), he was trying to give the vampires a run for our money!!!

Sunday was normal, Shakespeare in the morning, dance again till late, Daily Bread and Casa for dinner. The moon was just brilliant.

I am currently busy cleaning up, my room, our house, my mind, everything. Looking forward to a nice lazy month despite the weddings and all the hungama. I have a long list of books waiting. Amy Tan right now, many mroe to follow along with a super list of films.

Books, weddings and films with a little bit of freelancing here and there, sounds like a good November.

Asymmetry doth disrupt my Harmony!

I have a huge problem with unplanned asymmetry. I do not like asymmetrical skirts and the like. Badly arranged furniture that do not conform to straight lines, asymmetrically drawn curtains, anything remotely lopsided can absolutely disrupt my harmony and leave me in a state of imbalance.

People around me who know my asymmetry problems are well aware of my disrupted state of harmony. ;)

Three Weekends and some more...

Three weekends ago, the setting was Marie's farm at Somanahalli and it was a beautiful drive entirely moonlit and the serenity of the place was just awesome. We sat watching the moon rise and sink and we sat in the car sipping. It was mindbogglingly beautiful. On the way back i sat on the open window of the car and swooshed my way back through the wind. Of course there was a dinner date and what not so the weekend was perfecto.

The next was the 2nd year anniversary weekend. This was again dinner and drive to Guhantara and the weekend there was noisy with the crazy crowd, but thankfully we had the chooice of staying in the quieter quarters. Again a really nice weekend.

This weekend it was a lot of dance and the beer fest on Sunday, the last two years I was anchoring a few of the shows. 2007 I was at the Yahoo console and last year it was Kingfisher. I have had too many Kingfisher shwos in the last year thanks to Phase One and i have anchored all their events. This time i decided to step away and get some fun out of the fest, so we just went to hear them play and Prabhu boy went for the beer of course. We started out planning a whole huge gang and ended up being ditched.So went there and bumped into half of Bangalore and hung around to the finish. Total awesome time. This weeked more dance to go and next week entirely will be taken up by the BIG FAT Wedding of the Crasta's.

Looking forward to all the madness and waiting to jiggy on with Abhi, we're finally compeering together for the sangeet and i'm super thrilled all the way. :)

Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Exams on the 29th of bloody Jan, and they spill over till 3rd. Totally messed up.

Its a new feeling!

Something i have never done before, taken a break, a nice looong break.I feel like a free bird. I have time to plan and execute in leisure.

The last i had a useless, do nothing break was the week i spent in Goa in 2006. After that i have travelled all over the place and even across countries Coorg four times, each one more hectic and strenuous than the other, Goa seven times all on work trips and events, Chennai a couple of times, work again. Alleppy and a lot of Kerala for home visits and weddings, Pondy for fun. Wayanad the surprise for Valentines, was relaxed and so was Angsana and Guhantara. Singapore and Dubai I was busy running all over the place being the busy body tourist who can't get enough of everything. Chikmaglur was the photography expedition, Pune and three times Delhi was again fun but i was working from the offices there. Kabini was nice and Nagarhole was even better. Mysore was just lazy. Hyderabad again was wedding, so didn't have time to sight see. But all of them were just two and three day visits so never had enough time to wind down entirely.

So now i am planning Hyderabad and more, travel beckons. The honeymoon is too far away so I'm looking at other destinations in the near future. :)

Some of my travel albums:
Dubai and Abbey
Dubai Travails
The latest of Coorg
Singapore, the first chapter

More of Singa
The Zoo at Singa

Goodbye!

Why have I not written in such a looong time? Tsck, ponder, think. Is it one of the blocks again? One of the many writing blocks. Time is not a factor, I have written nonstop in times that have been beyond packed. Life is currently contorted, confounded and convoluted. I am quintessentially intellectualizing and that is leading to the ever normal choices versus decisions confusion.

Its bye bye to CoreObjects in a couple of days. Two years have blown by and it feels like it was just yesterday. I am all jumbled feelings now. I quit and I am relieved I did for multiple reasons. But something feels shut down, over, end of an era kinds. I am going to finally get the break I have been waiting for and now I am unsure of what will happen and if I will really enjoy this break. Its goodbye on Friday and let’s see what happens after…

Memoirs of a Core gone by:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=129481&id=586307422&l=f0d9acfd64

Thirsting for Time!

I need time, to sort it all out, to fathom the implications and smooth out the creases. I am in absolute denial now. Everything has run unexpectedly amok and i am not sure how i will sort it.

But there it is after the tornado hits you pick up the pieces and i am now looking for the pieces.

Waiting...

Uncertainty and ambiguity are strange things, they keep you guessing and in the last few weeks it’s not been pleasant. I hate waiting for something to happen unless it’s a surprise that will put me in the seventh heaven.

There are times when you wonder if life is serious enough to be taken seriously. If the things around you are worth your smile and laughter is worth sacrificing for anyone or anything. What happened is over, what is going to happen, no control. But whatever is happening what about that, what if it is keeping you on the edge of a five storied building looking down and anticipating the repercussions.

I am clueless and confused; a very normal state for me to be in, not at all surprising. I was told that I am very vulnerable to things and people around me. I understand the implications of that statement. I have that bad feeling in the stomach, the gut feel of things going terribly wrong, spinning out of control. I can’t interfere, I cannot do anything to bring it back and all I can do is wait. For everything to straighten out and for life to feel like it’s worth living again.

I lie in wait for the next blow!

There is a constant drone in the background. My desk is so full of pinned up stuff and everything seems to be caving in. The noise in the background is jarring; it’s the bloody vacuum cleaner. I am waiting for a phone call. I just got some interesting news and I have the whole thought flow already in running.

It’s been an interesting two weeks. Life has her way of making sure you are grounded in such harsh reality that you do not even have the time to be in denial. I am not sure anymore if the way I am feeling is justified. Crossroads, yet again. The whole cycle of madness is repetitive.

You are relieved one moment by the thought that you have tackled one lot; the other is waiting with worse in store. I am waiting for the next one now; every day is like a new thunderbolt waiting to strike. I have no idea when I can let myself recline without fretting. It gets so hard after a while to wait for the next blow.

Its just what, 3 cms?

It makes a difference, oh boy it does. I am not even twenty five and i have my mid life crisis all ready to descend.

I was never the types to bother about appearances. I was comfortable living in my favourite pair of shorts and wearing jeans and tee's to weddings. With my huge glasses, I was not exactly ever a feast to behold. Then the before and after happened. I got lenses and my aunt and mom gave my wardrobe a makeover much against my liking. How I now wish I had never changed anything about the way I looked. My line of work contributed to a bigger change, everyone thought was for the better. Being in front of the camera and modeling demands a certain appearance and i gained it. An acquired factor that became an inherent part of me.

Now as I stood in front of the mirror, combing what was left of my hair, i realized my mom was right as always. I had dark circles with all the sleeplessness and the stress of work and classes and all the other running around. I had the haggard look of having suffered a lot. I had insect bites and this infection on my left lower jaw, that had left strange warts all over. My doc calls it an infection and is treating it. Ma says its not enough if you have great clothes you need to have a good body and great looks to carry it off. I agree. I don't seem to have either.

Being unhealthy and being unattractive are two different things. I have managed both pretty well now i guess. I don't have the charm any more either maybe that's why I don't get the attention i used to. Maybe that's the reason I am no more appealing. Strange but true. Adi told me that its only 3 cms and how does it really matter. But I know how much it does and what it feels like to have low self esteem and know that you are not attractive enough. # cms, but an incision enough to leave a scar.

New Wheels!

There is a set of new wheels in my life, belongs to a certain Ford Fiesta that belongs to a certain Prabhu boy. :P Glee, whee whee!

It smells like Pasta spirit!

I make amazing Pasta, my Prabhu boy does not like eating pasta anywhere else because i make it a lot better, so he says.

Saturday was the second day in the "Today is not your day, tomorrow does not look good either" series. I had promised NJ that i would teach him the fine art of pasta making as i knew it. I went over and his mom had vacated the kitchen for our experiments. Our shopping took till four as we went for this Kathak performance thing in between. We start at four and then i lived through it barely. I will post NJ's version here for everyone's benefit and will stop at this for now. The process made me drwon like twelve glasses of cranberry juice.

Then, i went to Prabhu boy's house and made some more pasta for dinner. So Saturday was pasta day.

Now i can still smell the pasta in my memory so vividly.

I want!

The topic in question: Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol.

Me: I want to read it.
Prabhu Boy: I started already, I will read it first the give it to you.

After a lot of wheedling and saying the key words being I want I want over and over again, boy gives in.

Prabhu Boy: Ok you take it, but promise me you won't blog about it till i finish reading it.
Me: In that case finish reading it and then hand it over.

I cannot read something and not talk about it. Well, but i lost and now boy's asleep at home with my copy of Idea of Justice and his copy of the Lost Symbol and i am awake here and blogging. The Lost symbol would have really helped.

The Thought Cycle

There are things you can do about some things and things you can’t about some other things. Profound, but true. There are lines that you draw and there are lines that you cross. There is no pattern or rhythm. But love is unbridled, it does not seek or ask, it wonders. I wonder the how and the why and the what.

It’s strange, the way things change or evolve, I don’t know. Isn’t evolution change? There are so many questions and I don’t have answers. Reactions and feelings and emotions. So much to think about, but an exercise in futility. Without answers and clarity everything can be trivial. Perspective and ideas can be painful clashes. This is a never to end cycle. Thought and contemplation, the death of me.

Yeah right!

You have to tolerate stress and understand it and be nice, vice versa is not applicable.

You can say what you want, but you have to face the music.

You can be judged and criticized, but it does not work the same way otherwise.

You can always be at the receiving end and expected to live with it.

Double standards and all Freedom of speech and expression is a rigmarole. An impeccably weaved one at that.

No more!

My cheeks have lost their softness and are no more the softest ever.

My eyes sparkle lesser and don't twinkle enough.

I have lost my charm and intellectual wisdom if i possessed any.

My laughter and gaiety.

My everything tat ever made me appealing.

So what? At least i still have my sanity, maybe only bits of it, but what the heck!

Age catching up, so much i can't even run.

Interpreter

I am reading Jhumpa Lahiri's Interpreter of Maladies now. After so long, from its release to buying it then to now, i have the time to read it finally. Interesting and well paced. She weaves the story through so well, you see yourself reflected in so many nuances of her characters.

I am enjoying the feel of every page.

Somethings are never yours.

There are things you have and things you don't. Things you own and things you don't. If you have an heirloom, its not yours, didn't belong to you, won't in the future either. A shared commodity that is only verbally shared and you have no role to play in it does not belong to you either.

You buy something for yourself, that can be yours, you build something by yourself, its yours. What your parents left you, is not yours.

Come to think of it nothing acquired or possessed is yours either, because when you end up dead, its not like you are even taking your own body with you now is it? So nothing is yours. Not technically, or otherwise.

Not for you!

I am in pain today. Severe. My back spasms are back with a vengeance. I have worn my new diamond nose stud and in the process, my nose bled, i have had a headache all day and my right eye has been watering. I pushed the stud in so hard, I must have upset a nerve. I have a bad catch in my knee and i have been trying to avoid limping, so i don't get any questions of what happened.

Some days you just do not want to share the fact that you are in pain. You do not want the sympathy or the nonchalance, whatever displayed. Some people are over the top with their care while some others are just not interested. Why share with the self involved? Does not make sense.

Strange

Some silences are strange, scary. They actually feel like they are making the noises and voices in your head louder. Like the screaming of inner demons. Loud and disturbing. Hellish. I don't like them and i don't wish for them, but i get a fair share of them anyway.

Voices, in silence. Strange but true.

The Jewel Story of Today!

Mom actually bought me a diamond nose stud. We went and picked it up in the morning and i wore it. I coupled it with my new silver and amethyst ear studs.

No one noticed or said a thing, no one i was betting on either. Disappointing.

So, it really does not matter if you have or don't have jewellery, people do not care or notice.

Moral of the story: Don't bother.

Apparently!

The three F's of me, according to some people:

Frivolous, fastidious, fearless.

1 and 2 completely disagree.

3 wholeheartedly agree.

The Idea of Justice!

Daddy's gonna buy you a diamond ring...

Nope, Ma just got me The Idea of Justice. I lowe it. It has to be lowwe, only that can express the w depths of lowwwwwwwweeeee.

She spent hours in crossword today. I envy her that. Its been ages since i went bookstore hopping. Once i spent eight hours in Crossword, just shuffling along bookshelves, soaking in the air that was fragrant with the smell of books. Blossom, Prism, Sapna, Select, Premier, Gangarams, Bookworms - both the stores. Landmark, Timeout, Depot.

I still hold Blossom and Bookworm closest to my heart. Miss the days of book journeys. My library at home is overflowing i have so much reading to catch up on and i have only one lifetime on hand.

Just finished Thorn Birds, its beautiful and exceptionally well woven. reading princess now, its intense and evokes an unruly anger, The Idea of justice awaits.

Then there is Amy Tan's 'The Bone setter's Daughter' waiting along with Orhan Pamuk's 'the New Life' and 'Istanbul', the list is currently endless.

The fourth Dot

Why do we stop at the third dot after dot dot dot, why can't we have a fourth? Why is it wrong? Why can I not use it?

If there are fourth encounters of the weird kind after the third, there can be a fourth dot.

I want the fourth dot because only three dots cannot suffice and sum up all the things left remaining for me to say.

Somethings...

Things you have to deal with:

Men, Traffic, Noise, Anger, Chaos, Bullshit.

Things you have to live with:

Husband, Mom, lack of cupboard space, lack of time, lack of sleep.

Things you can do without:

Irritation, Hypocrisy, A question for a question, Backache, Pains in the wrong places.

Things you had better have:

Patience, lenses, water, clean things, order in life, logic.

Who am I kidding, these are not your somethings, they are mine. Phew! Sigh! Groan!

If these are my problems, I am blessed, apparently so.

Something, anything, many things...

A year ago, now...

Last year, sometime around this time i was so blissfully far away. Our mad impromptu trip to Goa. My yearly pilgrimage to pay homage to the beaches and breathe in the salt and soak in the sea.

I had ended up in Pune on work and stayed with Pavi at the Symbiosis campus in the girls hostel, sneaking in and out of campus like i was a student there. Three days of city travails and i told her we could do something over the weekend. I had landed on Wednesday morning and had to start back Sunday evening. I had work on the day i arrived and on Friday. Thursday was off, so we roamed the streets of Koregaon park and shopped and ate and shopped some more. We went to the German cafe for some mind blowing iced tea.

The free Saturday called for a plan. I asked Pavi if we could go someplace and she said Goaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and I said lets go! We had to get back Sunday morning, so we booked tickets for Friday night and return tickets for Saturday night. We had just one day to spend in Goa and we reaches on Saturday morning.

I roamed the beaches, got scorched by the sun kisses, allowed myself to be dragged into every store that my darlin Pavi, her highness chose to step into. Spent more time shopping than on the beach. Scandalized the hotel guys and the uncle at the reception by turning up alone with no boys. Two women in Goa alone, well not something the folks there digest easily. He asked us if we were alone and where our boyfriends were like ten times over. We checked in and showered and dressed in Goa calling skimpiness.

This was Pavi's first visit to Goa and my umpteenth. So, we set out on our Goa stint. I knew the place like the back of my hand. We had a riverside breakfast by the Panjim river and crossed over in the ferry to Betim. I had stayed in one of the pretty Verem villas one one of my many trips. We went over to Calangute, then Baga and the first thing madam did was SHOP! She had lost it and she dragged me on and i went playing along valiantly.

A lazy lunch was what we desired, but we were forced to get ourselves out of two restaurants. It really is not a smart idea to be just two women all alone in Goa. We were leered at and leched at and out of disgust we went away looking for a place away from the ogling men. We managed to find a shack that was empty and we trooped in hungry. After beach walks and sand castles, we befriended a Japanese girl who was on a backpacking trip across India. Then after some more shopping and beer for Pavi, we started back. We returned to the hotel, showered and left. We walked the quaint streets of Panjim and went to the church and finished dinner and got back into the bus.

I wanted to show Pavi all of north and south Goa and get her to the fort and the other beaches. I had gone on dolphin cruises and i had water sported before in all the beaches, Anjuna, Cocoa, name it and i had done it. Goa is like the storybook fairy tale i enter and i feel so good about being there. I like Goa when there are lesser people and the beaches are empty. A packed goa with the mad parties is enjoyable only when the sunburn happens. I hope i can make it to the noise this year.

To Goa and to missing it. To the one day stint i managed and to Pavi...

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=55832&id=586307422&l=2046daf122

I am so taken!

It’s been an interesting week, there have been intense squabbles, topsy turvy anger, everything run amok. I have not had the time to breathe since college started. It seems like a very routine week again. The only thing that happened this week was the Yoga celebration, which went off really well.

Oh yes, we moved into our new house. When I say that, it feels so strange, our house, now I have an ‘our house’ and a ‘mom’s house’. I can’t help smiling; fortunately it’s just a four minute walk from my current home. I am super thrilled about the prospect of throwing house warming parties and all that. The best part is that I have a house where everything will be mine, well not entirely so, but still I like sharing with the boy who lives there. Goodness gracious me! It’s hilarious, this whole thing, I never imagined I would be so thrilled at the prospect of living with someone and enjoying it.

Shifting and cleaning and dusting and all the everyday stuff can be really exciting.

I am so taken by the whole nine yards of it!

A week that was...

It has been a mixed week. It has been more than a week since I wrote and I have been waiting to get back. There have been a zillion things vying for my attention and I am spread thin. A mighty heart’s review, Kaminey, Quickgun Murugan, Sicko I watched all of them and I am contemplating on what to write for the Sicko review, its Michael Moore’s and its brilliant. I have a few movies that I have to finish watching and a list of assignments to complete for class and a lot to do at work.

I can’t remember all of last week clearly, all hazy fragments and images flash by. Last week I got locked out of my room again and I sat with screwdrivers and cutting pliers till three in the morning unscrewing the bolt from the door. I managed to pull off most of it, there was still one left hinged, after several kicks to the door that left cracks in the frame, I gave up and fell asleep I wore the clothes that I could find scattered in my mother’s cupboard and I managed to last a day. I didn’t get a locksmith, had too much to do. Prabhu darling came home and actually managed to tug out the hinges from the door and stood there smiling like a benevolent God who had just unlocked the door to Paradise. Alright I’ll accept it, I was a little beaten and my ego had lost, he had managed to open the door when I had not. In retrospect, I can laugh at the expression I wore when he opened the door.

College, office, doctor, yoga, dance, planning poetry classes, Shakespeare for my students, lost nose studs, random drama snippets, house warming, the prospect of having a house, planning the shifting, everything about sharing a space with somebody in a few months. Phew! Last two weeks have been something.

Good, Bad and Grey!

I don’t know when it is that you feel most alive, when you’re down in the dumps or when you are in your element and bouncing around. Life opens and shuts in chapters and every chapter is a challenge. But nothing has been as bad or good or whatever it is. Black and white has grey, good and bad does not have a satisfying equivalent.

The last few months have been trying to say the least, terrible health, life changing decisions, work, now college and people to deal with. I have gotten myself into innumerable rows and locked horns with everyone that mattered. My temper has been on tenterhooks and my mood swings at their swinging best. I wish I had time to cool off, but everything and everyone is piling up and I do not have the time to sort.

It takes immense motivation from within the self to smile in the face of anger. You can smile at troubles or pain, but anger just spins out of control. There are times when I can’t think because I am so angry with myself for having messed something up. Being a perfectionist and wanting everything easy yet perfect just does not work. I am walking on the edge of a blade, I don’t know how deeply and how painfully I will be cut in two.

My Baby's Day Out!

I spent two days with Diya, my two month old niece, the most enriching experience ever. The feeling of being so important to her as she held my finger or smiled up at me or stopped crying the minute i picked her up into my arms, or the way she looked as she slept on my lap. I baby sat her and changed her diapers and played with her and clicked pictures of her and rocked her and did everything for her.

I feel so complete and renewed, babies make you feel so good and my weekend has been filled with baby noises, baby smells and baby talk. I am now full of joy, Diya happiness i call it.

SIC that became sick!

Ranga Shankara, 7:30 pm, Play entry and close of doors and sound of warning bell.

Me sitting all alone in the theater, Pavi delayed by traffic.

Play SIC, about three neighbours who share a lot more than a common corridor. Funny but a good old drag. Actors were brilliant though, that being the saving grace.

Dinner at cable car, a very ravenous lot we were and gave all the waiters a hard time.

Got home to misplaced keys that took an hour and the realization that I had locked them in the room. I had to go into the balcony, out my hand through the window and after enough of circus display i got myself in.

Tough day Friday.

Great Society Blues!

Great Society is a blues band from Shillong and they play amazingly well. I was at b Flat on Thursday for their concert. I have heard them before, but the experience of watching them play live was absolutely brilliant.

After a long day at college and work, they were the best unwind medicine.The music was brilliant, the place was packed and my drink was the best on the menu. With Suneel and Sunil for company, the blues version of Knockin on heaven's door gained a whole new perspective.

A soul satisfying concert, listen to them, they have some totally brilliant guitar work and their sixty year old lead singer is just wow.

Soulmate is another band from Shillong that's a must hear.

Bloody Patriarchal World

Maybe it stems from the fact that I come from the other spectrum of the universe that of matriarchy or that my patience is lost with the world and the way it works. We were talking about media laws in class today and looking at the judicial system in countries across the world and some of the topics were just too reactionary to abstain from writing about them.

Women in America started voting in 1920, after the 19th amendment was passed. Till then they had no say in the politics of a country, goodness gracious. Not that I am all women’s liberation types or anything, but it’s just outright darned absurd. The ratio of men versus women is all messed up anyway. Men still treat women like they are inferior most of the times, sometimes there are inherently unconscious things they say or do that proves that its lineage. Passed down from generations.

The discussion of including laws in Afghanistan that legalize marital rape if you pay for any treatment later and starving the woman if she refuses to have sex with her husband. This is happening today, in the world we live in now. Where is the line? Is there one? Is there no respect for a woman because she is of another gender? Man is no superior, seriously. This is outrageous.

Even men in India are no less, I remember stopping a man on the road who was drunk and was hitting his wife brutally on the main road. Everyone was standing watching, this was at a bus stop. I was what sixteen and I was riding a bike with Pavi sitting behind me. I stopped the bike in front of him and asked him to stop and very calmly told him that I would call in the police. He was so drunk I could tell standing as far away as I was. The poor wife was shivering and cut and weeping and she asked me not to say anything or he’d hit her again. I finally managed to send her home and reported it to the community welfare center.

Even that was countered by the people standing around, they asked me why I interfered in something that was not my business and I laughed. Even back then, I did not have time to answer such atrocious questions.

My mom thinks I am an idealist and I will get into trouble with these things I keep doing, of which this incident was one. I’d much rather be an activist and idealist rather than be a spectator in this madness.

Human rights for heaven’s sake. Men and women, different but equal, who will drill this into every man’s head, living or dead or yet to be born.

I like to move it move it!

I really do, I love to move it actually! LMAO, I remember saying this to my whole gang of boys, when Vijay came on his annual visit, all bloated with the beer he had guzzled in Germany. I have to dance and move it or I feel incomplete. I need to feel the music resonate in every cell of my body till I lose myself in the rhythm.

It feels like it’s been ages since I danced and let my body swing. I miss my classes and the students, all eager and smiling, the best thing to teach is dance and you forget everything else and just skip to the rhythm. Jazz is what I want to get back to apart from everything else. I can hear the dance floor calling.

Traffic and Monday blues!

As I sat in the car driving to a wedding last night, I lost my patience entirely. It took me six whole minutes each to clear all the signals on my way and even at eight the roads were spewing out traffic. I saw an era pass by me as I waited for the signals to take pity on me and change colour.

The roads are bad and the traffic runs riot, everyone is in such a hurry. The women drive badly enough but the men behave like absolute jackasses. I think all the gorgeous women in Bangalore are sitting out in their houses waiting for them desperately, that’s the only possible explanation for the kind of rush the men on roads seem to be in.

The traffic gets worse by the day and my patience keeps waxing and waning which is not the greatest of things.

The Weekend Hangover

It started on Thursday night, the weekend began then. I went for ‘love aaj kal’ and sat through it because my sister happened to tell everyone that Deepika reminded her of me. I shall reserve my comments on that one. I went with my dear fiancé, Prabhu, who got very restless and bored and the result was that we got out before the movie ended.

Friday breezed past with college and then the Independence Day celebrations at work. There was a housie game and I was laden with chocolates by the end of it. In full desi spirit I was dressed in green pants a white kurti and a saffron dupatta. In retrospect, I think the dupatta was taking it too far.

Friday night was when it began, a dinner at Eurasia and a long beautiful drive, the night sky was lit intermittently by flashes of lightning and it looked like a whole road was lighting up just for us to drive into. Midnight got even better as we sat fooling around with my camera, it started pouring and I had to jump in and get wet top to toe. Pavi joined me for a bit, but she was dry enough to not change out of her clothes. Cranberry juice in long stemmed glasses and songs lost to the winds. It was the perfect party and Pavi and I were dressed as twins, just added to all the fun.

Saturday was lazy and late; I woke up into the afternoon and then a lazier lunch, walks in the green fields and then iced tea at barista. Pavi and I spent all our time lazing and basking in the clouds and filtered sunlight. The dinner was quick and then we watched how to lose a guy in 10 days, on a screen that was huge and a theater was all to ourselves, special screening for us exclusively. The night was breezy and starlit and we had pomegranate juice this time in the glasses. We lay down in the balcony on a mat and star gazed and sang. I sat on the window sill of the car and then moved to the bonnet and as we drove around the breeze played in my hair. I think the best part of a drive is when you get to sit outside the car and take in everything from the breeze to the skies.

Sunday was the drive back and it was cloudy and breezy again. I came back and started a long overdue photo shoot, the results of which are very satisfying. Pavi and I then went about again doing odd jobs and shopping. Evening was lazy and I had a long lovely shower and then a walk on the terrace arm in arm with Prabhu. We then went on to read Tagore’s Gitanjali, and then a mom made dinner followed by spoons of condensed milk. Rain greeted Monday morning and here I am dressed in woolens and snuggling into my chair. What a weekend. I am still hungover from it.

An unbroken jinx...

I am shower jinxed. Like completely, maybe I did something really bad to a shower sometime in the past. Every single time I have to use a shower it either breaks or does not work or some such shower related mishap happens.

I don’t remember the last time I turned on a tap, (the one with the shower option with it) and the tap came on. Never has it been kind enough to not shower my whole being with water spewing down on me. Sigh, I have had so many of these, yet I never manage to remember to keep my eyes open to see if it’s on shower mode or tap mode.

With such an obsessive compulsive nature that drives me to the taps in alien houses to wash my feet all the time, I don’t see a respite from the showers and I don’t have any hopes of developing a careful outlook to life ever! So I resign to the fact that I am shower jinxed and live with it.

Contemplation

There is something amiss, some small section of a jigsaw missing. I know what it is, but I can’t put my finger on it. Strange, how familiar it seems. I have lived in this knowledge now for a few days. The patterns and monotony is now an everyday thing. But I am not sure how easy starting something new will be.

I am confused and I am wondering if everything is the way it is supposed to be or is there a factor I have left unattended. I don’t know and right now, I don’t even have enough time to care.

It’s a gui feeling!

The story of Gui had its roots in a trip to Alleppy. It’s like Gui, you don’t know Gui? That was all I heard all through the trip. I had my own definition to Gui, which is why everyone started the Gui thing in the first place.

Gui is a feeling, the feeling of warmth when you are cold, the Goosebumps and the back tickle and you twitch because you are cold and there is a shiver in your spine.

Gui is how you feel when you are blushing or gushing or are just awed in an afterglow.

Gui is nice and slow and soft. It is all cozy and snuggly, gui is just amazing when felt. Even your brain like the tips of your fingers can feel the gui. Gui is after all, a state of being.

Gui is like a wave sweeping over and trees swishing in loud whispers, like leaves tickling the insides of your palms, gui is everything beautiful, Gui is the way to be!

Snarls and Smiles

There is no such thing as a free lunch. Everything comes in packages. No one is true or truthful. All hypocrites in guises of sweet human beings. Disdainful and disgusting. There are tolerance levels and there are limits to being mean and getting away with it. What seems all nice today might just fight back tomorrow.

There are people that are nice not because they don’t know how to be nasty, but because they choose to be good. I can bite off and yell and scream and behave in malicious wickedness but I prefer to deal with the world with a smile not with a snarl. That does not mean I am naïve or weak. Watch out, or I will sharpen my claws. You can’t mess with me, if you are, I am letting you and watching the game and sniggering.

A day that was today...

Today has turned to tomorrow. It has been a long day, now a routine of sorts. Started at six and had a stint of work at the office, then college till three and back to the office. The joy of knowing that Pavi made it through CISA and EnY kept me going. She deserves every moment of happiness and pride she feels as she has worked her soul inside out to achieve this today.

Tomorrow, now today, has memories, nice memories, of nice times. But i will think about that tomorrow, just to add a Scarlett O' Hara touch. Today was a day of heights. After the fiasco at the office, i had to fix, i shut it down, i shut everything else down and i left for a celebration.

Pavi's celebration of what life held in store. We sat there, on the 13th Floor, with all of bangalore spread out before us, the lights of Mantri Altius, UB city, Koshy's flickering signboard, the lights of vehicles passing by, MG road sprawling out down below. The sky was perfect, the moon hidden in a thick sheet of cloud and the light all fuzzing out in a bug halo through the layers. Then the rain, like magic, danced her drizzle. She poured down and we sat there soaking up the raindrops and watched their descent in the hazy light.

The evening was splendid, the things that was said in not just words, the smiles and the laughter, everything a celebration. Absolute laugh riot madness and crazy hysteria, all the way. To life and living, to Pavi and soul mates.

Strays

There are so many thoughts running through my head. I have so much to write about and i am short of time. I think of something and i forget about it entirely as i have passed over the thought and i am buried in so many others.

They are straying into the recesses of the mind and are reading into the nuances of the images in my head. It is a blue feeling at times and blah at times. Thoughts are so unbounded and wander in so much freedom without the realms of anything holding them back. They are swimming in imaginative creativity, blending into reality and suspend all else. I wish everyday in my life was like that, a journey into unbounded alternate reality, just straying to places my soul and spirit choose to wander about in, just to be in absolute suspension, away from all else.

A list

My mind is craving for a rest, I am feeling all drained and I need to figure out a way to sort out the tangles in my head. I am suffering from an overload and there are too many strands of thought slipping away unattended to. I want a pensieve, to draw them out and put them in tiny vials so I can look at them at a later stage.

How I envy Hermione and her time turner, she has enough time and when she needs more, she just turns it, one turn one hour. Or I could also do with an extra added 24 hours a day. The things I can manage then wow, now that is topping my wish list which includes:

More Time, lots of it
Some more travelling around the world
A cave behind a waterfall and green ivy curtains
A lovely lab or pug or golden retriever to call my own
A lot more greenery and no tree felling
Bike rides, car rides, glider and jet rides and boat rides
Rappelling, Climbing, Sporting
The sun, sands, seas and stretching beaches
Cameras and pictures
Technology
A bullet for myself
Lots of ice creams and my favourite junk without messing my skin or adding to my waistline
Great Health and some more energy
Freedom from stupid politics at work or elsewhere
Nicer people who are not playing games and are genuine
The freedom to enjoy my happiness and peace
Lesser advice and lesser interference

Some of them are easy, some impossible, som every attainable. So I will manage to get some and not get some, but what the heck, I’m trying and I have no idea of giving up at all. ;)

A red kinda BLAH!

Let me count the times is an interesting story, I remember reading Martin Amis in English Honors’ three years ago. It was about how many times and in how many ways the narrator of the story had made love to his wife.

I am talking about counting the times, yes, but I am referring to the number of times I have lost my temper and behaved in an unpardonable manner. I lost it today; I saw red again for the nth time this month. I have been rude and angry and upset in turns, I would love to blame it on the hormones in the body but sadly even they are running in my blood stream and I should have a semblance of control over them at least.

I am disappointed that I have given in to these feelings and emotions running havoc in my brain and I have barely managed to escape a bout of anger harbored against me. God bless my soul, and I hope I find some peace somewhere soon. Sigh!

Revealing Reflections!

It was a short little walk. From the car to yoga class, just about four minutes. It was a monsoony evening typical of Bangalore. The clouds catching the rays of the sun as it dipped into its golden red broth far away at the horizon. The moon nicely basking in the sunlight and smiling down all gibbous and bursting, like it was time to kiss goodbye to dusk and welcome the darkness of the night.

I walked slowly taking it all in and thinking of what had happened to me all day. I had come back to where I was a year ago, running and hopping from one place to another counting my time and money by the minute of the hour. I had looked at my watch a dozen times every hour or so and i had covered college, work and yoga all in a tangle of today and this was just the beginning. I had so much work I logged in from home and every time the thought of ‘oh I’ll do that in the morning came up’, I’d end up realizing that the mornings were now sorted into classes. From Muay Thai at six to college that ended by half past three.

Reminded me of times when I would have my tiny book all filled up with appointments and people to meet for business or to collect payments or new prospects and clients. That was when I drove all over town running my own little errands. That was when I taught theater and danced, when I wrote and free lanced, anchored and managed events ad did every odd thing that I fancied. That was not like now though, now it’s much altered. I am doing what I want to and what I have chosen to. My days are just as packed as they used to be, but there is a pattern here. I know what is happening tomorrow, I can dance to the rhythm of it with ease.

I don’t know if I should be excited by a change I anticipated or I should be very Miss Cool about it. I know what I am planning to say no to tomorrow. I am refusing to go perform a dance I am going to Choreograph. Otherwise, under old normal myself circumstances, I would have jumped at the very thought of going back to the stage and feeling all the madness in my veins and the head rush. But I will have to make do with the borrowed euphoria of the team if they go on and win the competition and resign myself to the fact that it is time to say no and to priorities work and college and juggle all that without burning myself out.

Wow! A three minute walk and so much revelation, truly amazing. Well, what can I say, I see someone is growing older and warming up to words like priority and responsibility and what can be done and what is humanly impossible to get done. I believe I am Super girl, but how and when and where will I draw a line?

Drowning in Absolut!

Four shots of absolut,
Burn down into insides,
In timed intervals downed,
Then the fire hits the gut,
Rising to the brain,
Fuzzing thought and action,
Now the world unchanged,
Not a blur not a buzz,
Nothing beyond a slowness,
Just something different,
Neither high nor low,
A nice change though,
From a high of water,
Or of air, just life maybe,
I wait for a day for it to hit,
The right spots and bring,
The right pain or joy,
To a soul enriched,
Not by alcohol or elixir,
But by a sheer existence.

Midnight Snacking

I love doing what I am told specifically not to do. I have to; it’s common this feeling, but I am sure it is not this strongly hewn into anyone’s nature. I was rebellious and I had no clue of what being obedient meant. I just went on doing my thing my way. Always.

Last night I was up till late finishing up some urgent work. Till about two in the morning that is. I had finished my yoga class and I got back home early for once, and in a bout of hunger I finished my dinner at seven. I had fruit, bread and eggs and some totally WOW chocolate pastry. After which I went out with mommy and returned by around ten. Now the night stretching before me with so much work to do, was not the best of feeling.

My mother dearest is a health freak, a lot more than I am. She hates the common bakery breads because they are all wheat flour or ‘maida’. My granny on the contrary loves them. So she had a loaf of white bread sitting in the kitchen. I made my way to it at one in the morning, took four slices and two huge pots of mayonnaise and peanut butter. I sat down on the floor in front of the idiot box and had a literal spread. My weird hour snack to quench a weird hour hunger, which made me brush again, after I had nicely wound up for the day. But a nice midnight snack anyway.

A trip in solitude

I wanted to go away from all the chaos and people. My mind commanded that I go away by myself on a holiday and I had to execute to the command immediately. There was work, there was college looming in the distance, there were wedding plans forming and everything was happening all at once. I had to break away.

I did just that. I booked a home stay at Chikmaglur, booked tickets and just took off. I went with a couple of backpacks, for my camera and laptop. The idea was to spend as much time possible with my new camera, to try and play with light and effects and use the features. I left on Wednesday afternoon and after a nice drive across fields and hills and village scenes unfolding as the bus rolled past.

I reached at around nine in the evening and my host was waiting with his car, the home stay was eight kilometers away from the town. It was pouring with rain and the whole earth was bathed in a dark green. As we neared the estate, the roads became hairpin bends and the coffee and pepper plantations beckoned.

The home stay was lovely. There was the main house where my hosts stayed and then there was the outhouse with the rooms where I was to stay. The rooms were very comfortable, simple and cozy. On the outside there was a huge lawn and the estate to the back, lovely flower gardens and even a barn up front. There were cypress trees and passion fruit creepers.

The folks were just so amazingly friendly and walking into their home just felt like I was visiting family. The dinner was out of this world and I pigged out enough to add a couple of inches overnight to my waist. I had the best veg biriyani ever and baingan ka bharta and there were also eggs, fresh cucumber from the garden and lots of homemade dahi. After which there was fruit salad and custard for dessert. I was a happy woman. I went off to sleep in my huge four poster bed wrapped in blankets, listening to the raindrops and crickets.

The plan was that I will wake up and finish my breakfast and leave for the tour of some peaks in the Kudremukh range. Breakfast was again a great spread with fresh passion fruit juice, bread and eggs and homemade marmalade with orange rind, there was also upma which was very well made. So, after tucking in well, I started for Mullengiri, the tallest peak in the range. I set off in a maroon indica, with a very cordial driver. We drove through amazing hairpin bends and the views were just absolutely stupendous. As we climbed higher, the mist engulfed us and we could just see a few feet ahead of us.

It was pouring as we climbed higher and the clouds were in my hair, little drops of water clinging onto the strands. There was a quaint little temple on the way back that was deserted and I stepped in, it was again covered in a mist, the whole feeling of being alone in a mist covered temple was just beyond words. The mist has an amazing quality to it, it feels like something with a life to it, its mysterious and the feeling of being enveloped in a mist is like being wrapped up in its finger touches.

We stopped at Kavikal Gandi and went on to see a few waterfalls and then went to another waterfall which had Suji Kal Neeru which means the water stems from a rock. The waterfall was nice and powerful but there were clothes strewn all over the place, which was because of a local belief that if you bathed in the falls and left behind a piece of your clothing, you’d be purged of all your sins.

The rolling hills, the green meadows interspersed with dense forests and of course the estates, all misty and lakes shimmering in the distance and reflecting the sun rays that filtered through the dense clouds. It was one of the best drives that I had ever had. Gaali Kere which translates to windy lake was the next stop and I had no idea what I was in store for. It was a huge lake on a peak, a mountain lake. The lake was huge and so entirely misted up, I could not see the other ends of it all. The surface of the lake was all soft and misty and had a strangely mysterious aura to it; the clouds were so dense that I could not see beyond a few feet. The pictures I got here were splendid.

After lunching alone in the town, I went back home and lazed; I finished a couple of books and even managed to do some writing. I had an evening snack and sat with the kids at my host’s house and helped them with their homework. We then went onto play and I was everything from a tree to a slide for them, they were six and two year old girls and by night they got so attached to me, I had to feed them dinner and coax the older one to sleep at her place and not tag along with me into the home stay.

After another sumptuous dinner and an equally nice breakfast the next day which was bright and sunny, I took off again and this time around it was to the temples of Badami, Belur and Halebidu. The first temple was a five hundred year old temple and was simple yet beautiful. Then there was the Veera Narayana temple at Badami which was nine hundred years old and also had the Yoga Narasimha and Krishna deities. The sculptures were so intricate and beautiful and the temple had the cool feeling of the stone structure it was. The feeling of wandering along the passages was just mind blowing.

Then there was Halebidu and Belur, which was again awe inspiring, the temples, the grounds, the sculpting the pillars, the light filtering into the dark passages inside the temples, the idols and the stories that the walls unfolded of years and years of life and people that had crossed these paths. The carvings and gentle and delicate, yet so powerful in effect.

Drunk in all the ardor of the temples, I returned after a quick lunch, alone again to the home stay. Then, with the whole family I went to Gandhi Park where the kids and i had the greatest time, chasing the rain, laughing and feeding fishes, all the tiny joys of life, relived. Then back home to another amazing dinner and a journey back to Bangalore, I felt like I had regained a few years that I had thought I had lost in the many pages of my life.

Here is the link to some of the pictures i clicked.

A walk in the breeze

Today is such a beautiful day. I can see the rain beating down in sheets and filling the air with her scent. I walked in the breeze today. Not on the road, not in the city, but I walked in the breeze. I took off for some work a little far away from the office and I finished it quickly, when I started walking back, there was a breeze blowing into me, something that was beyond explanation, it filled me with an elation that was so completely divine, I felt like I was a new thing in this world like I had transformed into something beyond myself.

I went in a trance in this state of mind to Corner House; bought myself hot chocolate fudge and I came back into the wind, into the breeze, I walked in a cloud like world, with nothing else but the breeze talking and whispering in my ears, the whole being rejuvenated, the soul refreshed… I walked in the breeze…

Lazy Butt = Unattended Phone Trouble!

I have an entirely screwed up phone, much like me I must say. Random craziness, its so pissing off at times, and then when I am just half a centimeter from losing it, I laugh out hysterically, it helps you know.

My phone has a weird problem; it does not switch on or switch off with the designated button. If by chance it drains battery and dies, which happens at least once in a week thanks to my excessive use, I have to wait. The phone has an alarm that rings even when the phone is switched off, which is something about this phone I discovered recently. So, every morning at 6 the alarm goes off even if the phone is switched off.

If the phone is dead, I charge it al night and then I wait for the alarm to ring and for the phone to ask me, if I want to switch it on. Now why all this circus I ask myself, then I realize, I’m one heck of a bloody lazy butt, I don’t want to go sit in a queue at the nokia service center and then get it fixed, I had much rather sleep the night out and wait till the alarm chooses to ring. Works just as well you see…

Instant Gratification of Chocolate Desire!

The feeling is out of this world. It is like a release of joy from the heavens themselves. The first mouthful is the best, and then it grows on you, slowly and as you reach the end, the last mouthful gives you such high; it is like you are reeling in the exhilaration of the texture and the taste and the senses lighten to a state of suspended reality.

The eyes close involuntarily, the tongue rolls over the lips and you just revel in the feeling. The chocolate drips down the throat and you can feel it travel into your gut. Then, there is a physical shot of joy that travels to your ears and your neck lifts up with the fantastic ecstasy that then moves into the brain, giving you the slow buzz that spreads all the way to the toes, gently yet strongly pulling you into the mood of the moment.

You can revel in this feeling long after the chocolate has been imbibed and you can remember the high of the chocolate orgasm as clearly as if it were right in front of you. I just indulged in a brownie fudge sundae and in a Mississippi mud pie last week and in a dark temptation two weeks ago, I am still radiating the afterglow...

This that and a week...

The last week has been supremely interesting. Muay Thai classes have restarted. If I have to write about the whole madness of class, I’ll need a post entirely dedicated to it. The derby prelude shows were on last week and they were fun. All the night club and party action after a long time, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Wednesday the stint was at Downtown, which now feels like a rundown shack of sorts, there the crowd was lackluster and not the best of responses. But Friday we hit the Sports bar, where they had a Karaoke night going and what an overwhelming response, everyone placed bets and bids and left their tables to stand around the screen, cheering their favourite horses that were running the virtual race. Cirrus was crowded to the maximum on Saturday, the party was pretty good and the crowd was great too. Overall a nice set of shows. The clips were on NDTV too, which I totally missed out on watching.

Sunday was the day. Like the perfect example of testing patience. My middle name is restless impatience and I do not have the time to tolerate anything. I was stuck cleaning, I started after class at around 9 in the morning, lost all my sleep, then went onto clean till 2 30 in the afternoon.

I learnt a few lessons; I learnt that you should not ever buy nice soft, silky, satiny feel kind of clothes, because folded in the cupboard; they are the first ones to slip and mess the rest of the pattern up. I learnt that you should not be possessed by an obsessive compulsive disorder, if you are then, you are history, the cleaning will have to be meticulous to perfection and then you spend twice the time fixing everything to your satisfaction.

I sorted the clothes by colour and style and based on where I wear them to and then put everything in the order of convenience. At the end of this herculean exercise, I was cursing the stores I picked stuff up from, my cupboard is over flowing with clothes and there is no space left even for another piece of a garment. These store guys should give you free cupboard or other storage space to put all the stuff you buy. It is getting impossible to fit it all in my cupboard.

After the cupboard cleaning I had to focus on scrubbing the bathroom clean, at the end of it I was wheezing and I had enough of it all. We were already late for the derby and I was hungry and waiting to go away from home and the thought of cleaning.

We got to the Derby late, just saw Aboline win, and got no space to park the car, so rushed back and left. Then dance happened, now that was nice, uncomplicated. Came back home by 9 or so and then had a nice dinner as fruits of labour savoured and then waited up watching Goblet of fire, for my aunt Pras mem to touch down from Singapore. Fell asleep at 2 am, and now I have started yet another week being sleep lagged and craving for the bed. Overall, a mixed week of sorts.

Phah to wet bathrooms, the root cause of all my misery!!

I hate wet bathrooms. I just can’t stand them, the very thought of stepping into one makes me sick, really badly sick. I hate it. The water is all over the place, the sink counter is wet and the toilet seat is wet and the floor is all drippy and the mess is so bad, I had rather live in a land where I can magically clean a bathroom before I even see it. Like close my eyes and wah la, I have a nice dry tiled bathroom that is clean and neat and suits my style.

I hate it if the shampoo bottles are leaky or have dried shampoo on the edges, I don’t like loofahs on the counter, and they should hang down from hooks so they can drip dry. The soap dish should be one which does not leak out soap or water; the excess water should soak up right away. I can’t handle it if the toothpaste tube is squeezed out from the middle; it has to be bottom to top, upwards only. All shampoo and body wash and other bottles should be dry and not dripping with water or shampoo.

The counter has to be dry and clean and with no speck of dust or powders on it. The floor has to be clean and should not have foot prints on it at all. The bathing section has to be either closed off or the floor has to be mopped after a shower.

The whole darned place should smell of nice things like menthol, fruit, woody smells and all the good fragrances in life that are worth living for.

I am soooooo impressed whenever I see a clean bathroom, immensely overjoyed actually. My judgments of people are way off normalcy; I will just love you if you have a clean bathroom. I am currently displaced from mine and I am hating that it is no more under my control and no matter how many times I clean it, until I become the sole owner again, its gonna get all messed up. Sigh! Oh how I wish I was a witch, I’d be the cleanest one around! A witch with an OCD. ;)

Bluetooth for the next gen!

I am not technology dependent. It was forced on me, by this crazy world that believes that technology is everything. I think it’s all a load of crap.

A camera ten years ago needed film and what not processing, today I have a Canon D 1000, which is a graduation from my Samsung digital camera. I had a 1100 four years ago and I have a 3600 slide after a series of phone changes and losses. I have a Sony television which is a huge upgrade after my 20 year old BPL that had no remote even. So I lived a life without latest technology upgrades for a long time.

Why I wonder should I want a 31 lakh worth camera when I have one worth half a lakh that works really well for me anyways. Then I think that the prices are bound to fall in future and I will pick it up eventually so I will use the technology that is slightly behind times but exciting none the less.

This technology upgrade is crazy, next there will be Bluetooth stench bombs, if you want to bother your manager when he is in an important meeting, send him an anonymous Bluetooth stench bomb. If the girl you have a crush on is sitting with another guy, send him one, so you do something here and the stench is transferred by Bluetooth.
Bluetooth babies will be the next big thing. If your boyfriend or husband is away and you want to or have to have a baby, then insemination through Bluetooth will happen and instead of a test tube baby, it will be a Bluetooth baby. If people are doing it virtually and online, this is the obvious graduation. ;)

Wow, the scope is endless, I can think of so much more, but I have to put my energies to some usful work. Sigh!

Perceptions and Identities

There are various things I have been told over the years, some funny, some intense, some annoyingly flirtatious, some just plain stupid. Every event I have anchored I have had an addition to my fan club. I thought I will list out the nicest and weirdest things I have been told.

I was told that my style of driving is very sexy and that the way I handle the clutch and accelerator is very slick, the way I move my feet is interesting apparently.

I have been called a walking talking advertisement for amaron batteries. ;)
I have been told that my smile is enticing and endearing, my hair is sexy and sensual, and my eyes are lovely and my figure is perfect, I move like a dream and dance like a water nymph and all that blah. But the one thing I remember very clearly is what I was told about my beauty, he said “every eye blink is a blot on your beauty”. And I was told that my beauty comes from so deep inside that I have an aura around me that makes people around me happy and makes them smile with my exuberance.

I was told that I should not attempt to change perfection or even wish for it.  Now that is totally stretching it, but I will accept it graciously.

They say that I sound so good all the time that I actually enthrall all audiences on the phone, on radio, on the mike or even otherwise.

I have been told that I am like a bubble, vivacious and like lightning mercury, sparking and sparkling like fizz and wild like Gaea. I think I am blessed to be told these things.

I was once told that I am the missing link between apes and humans and every time I think of that I laugh my guts out. :D

Mom tells me that I walk like a guy, I look like a school kid, I look messy and bad, I think she is my biggest critic, in everything I do.

One of the ardent fans told me that my mind and the way i wrote and pictured things in my head and the way i believed in what was true and pure and the way i spoke is what is the most beautifully unique thing about me and it is so easy for anyone to fall in love with someone like me, now that was something really nice.

I have also been called arrogant, obstinate, intense, impulsive, crazy, insane, abnormal, short tempered, moody, loud, roguish, boisterous, naughty, evil, imposing, over confident, bossy, and various other not so pleasant things. Things I am not so proud of.

I am not so comfortable with compliments or flattery, but I seem to get more then my desired share of it.

Of the names I have been called, I think I like Shrevil the best, thanks to Sandy. Hot 20 sensation, now that was in college, cultural sexy when I was the cultural secretary, bubbly, sodma, soda, quicksilver, the list is endless.

Picnic in the woods!

Today is so beautiful; it is the perfect day for a lazy start and then a bike ride into the woods for a picnic lunch and then a lazy read lying in the grass munching on an apple. The weather is perfect; there can be nothing better than a grey sky full of nimbus clouds, with rain just waiting to descend down from the heavens, the smell of rain in the offing, the breeze swishing in the trees, blowing into the leaves and woo shooing making them whisper in loud voices overhead.

With the rains, the sky becomes over cast and darkens and the birds all confused, start twittering around and fly back home, thinking it’s a weirdly early end to the day. Then the raindrops in sheets of a drizzle begin their swaying dance and the wind plays into the rhythm, the sound of loud gusts in the ears, the feeling of the raindrops dancing on your body and the skin tingling in response.

The idea of being sprawled on a mat lying amidst the grass and staring at the sky or reading lazily and just letting your thoughts flow, unending never interrupted, just you and your thoughts, what a feeling! I wish I could just get out of this chair, rush out of office and ride or drive off, far away into the rain and blend in with the breeze and soak in the fragrance of Gaea.

I crave for myself

I am up to my neck in a mess. I am not just busy yet bored, i am pathetically hurting, not just body aches and back aches, i am pissed off with the city and traffic, with work and people, with my family and my car, with the fact that i can't even keep a dog if i want to.

I want to live by myself, come home to the peace of just me and my dog, when i can have one, I can deal with work if i don't have to use my energy dealing with the madness at home. I can sleep anytime i want, walk in anytime i want to, eat what i choose to, live on my own rules. I need not constantly worry about what to do whom to talk to what to say, what to deal with. I can blissfully lead an existence with myself, and strangely, i know i wont be lonely. I will love it. If i am lonely when i am surrounded by people all the time i am sure it will work better when i am by myself.

I don't want anything to remind me of the things i want to forget about. I had much rather live alone than be with people i have to handle in whatever way. I am not scared of the dark or ghosts, i am not the kinds who needs body warmth to fall asleep, i never slept by my mom or ever put my head in her lap for comfort. I will still manage to meet whoever i want to when i feel like and get my rationed hugs, especially from mom for the new year, her birthday and mine and for mothers day.

I think i would any day prefer to be alone rather than with someone who will fight and want things from me and vice versa. I can't stand the idea. I really don't know when i will get a break from all this bull crap. Somehow, i feel i never will be rid of it anyway. Baggage, that's what it is and it has been following me around since i was a toddler.

Run away!

I want to run away, from fake laughter, from anger, from pain, from people, from nagging, from disgust, from bullshit and bitches, from losers and jack assess, because they don't deserve me. I am beyond everyone and everything. This bunch of horrid people can go screw themselves over. I am not running away from trouble, i would never think of it, this trouble only seems so annoying yet trivial, i don't think i need to deal with it or them.

Greed, my sin today!

I have three trophies on my desk and a medal. I have a huge fruit and nut bar in the fridge at home and a Parker pen. I have vouchers for 3 thousand and i am unhappy. Unhappy because i came second in a stupid quiz. I hate losing, i hate coming even second! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I want to win, even if its stupid!

PQ - A party version of DQ

I haven’t partied in ages! I am dying to get back to the dance floor and dance till my feet ache and hurt. The last party I was at was f bar in Delhi, what a party! And the nicest parts about these out of Bangalore parties are that they go on all night long!

I am a weird kind of part lover, I have to be the anchor at a party or I find it really difficult to feel at home, I have to be at the console with the DJ giving him or her gyaan on what to play and generally running the party, holding the reigns. I need to be the center of attention, and I admit it, I love it!

It has been ages since I hosted or anchored one, and I miss all the fun. I remember once at the New Year’s Party I was anchoring for at Fusion Lounge, there was so much chaos and the floor was so packed and I had bouncers around me just to keep the crazy louts away, we had a ball that night, it was so much fun, the dancing and the music and all the ruckus of new years.

The thing about being behind the console and on the mike is that you are in the lime light and every single guy believes he has a birth right over you and can ask you for a dance or can buy you a drink and get you drunk. But that is a part of the anchoring profession, the dirty flip side to it; men think they own you for the time you are on the stage and sometimes even after that.

But coming back to party madness, from Sutra to Athena, from Nyx to Hint, Opus to Mixx I am sure there is not a single pub, lounge or nightclub in Bangalore I haven’t been to, or anchored at. I have even been to the ones that are supposedly the gay bars as well, at some point in time or the other. But I like the new rule of no smoking inside pubs, my hair remains fresh smelling and I don’t feel like I walked out of a coal bin.

Crazy things parties, I should dedicate an entire post to some exclusive ones I have been part of. Raves and Farmhouses and crazy house parties. Each an enriching experience on its own.

Why I started this was to say that I miss them, but I am going to one after a really long time this Sunday, with my constant party companion, so he seems to have become from Urbanpind and f bar in Delhi all the way to Fuga here, Sandy boy, time to put on the party shoes and do the jiggy wiggy!

She hath the falling sickness!

"He hath the falling sickness", Julius Ceaser did. This was epilepsy and Brutus and Cassius talk about it. But in my case, it is different, its not epilepsy, it is just a falling sickness, absurd but true!

The bigger they are the harder they fall, or so I am told. I am exception to this rule as well. Like for very many other rules as well. This is interesting; you would think someone my size who maintained a very low profiled weight of 45 kilograms since 9th grade that is 1999 to 2007, who is now just about 52 kilograms has probably fallen a lot more than anyone else you have ever known.

I should have made ‘falling down’ my profession long ago, if it paid well, I’d be a stinking rich millionaire by now. Sigh, if only the world worked on your whims and fancies. I am a total blunder buss, top to toe. I don’t know if I should attribute this to my amazingly horrible myopia vision enhanced with astigmatism eyesight, or to the fact that most of the time I am lost in my own worlds and I am stuck in reveries all the time. Maybe it is a combination of both.

I spill, I mess up, I fall and then I fall some more. I am so good at multi tasking, I am a perfectionist at times and I handle an OCD along with this mess of a life I lead. I am clean, but I spill, I clean up and I spill again. So, my life is a full circle that begins with cleaning, then spilling then cleaning again.

My mom is the authority on me; everything related to my existence, she is the person to be consulted. She has taught me one thing all along and she has never given up on telling me to be aware of my surroundings. She says that gravity usually works on heavy objects and it beats her how I manage to fall and hurt myself as much as I do, apparently gravity loves me.

My colleagues decided to try painting an 'X' with white paint on every spot I ever managed to take a fall, just at the office premises, then gave up the idea, because they thought the flooring from a pretty blue would have to be changed entirely to white and CoreObjects, would become XObjects with all the X’s lining the walls and the floors.

I can beat any record for tripping up with flat shoes on a flat floor. The day I was interviewed at Core, I was dressed for an event something to do with Durga Puja, so I was in a skirt and then I very nicely finished the interview and started my descent down the stairs, after a couple of steps, I missed and slid the rest of the way down, onto the landing. I assumed no one saw the fall and so I picked myself up and left. But there were eyes that saw and later recognized as well. So, to this day I am teased about it and I know I will be for a long long time to come.

I also suffer from a problem, I fall and then even if I am hurt, I laugh through the tears of pain and I laugh till I forget the whole thing. I don’t stop there either, I laugh even when someone else falls, as long as they aren’t cut or bleeding or seriously I hurt, I laugh till I manage to hurt their feelings. I wish this uncontrollable laughter had a cure or a stopper. But I guess I will fall and laugh and laugh some more, because this does not qualify as a disease with a cure or a problem with a solution.

I am told that I will be told by my children to watch out ad not trip or fall! Goodness gracious me! Gravity, please be kind!

I'm SICK of them!

I am sick of weddings and wedding talk and wedding plans and wedding and marriage and the whole nine yards of it.
If i have to dress up to attend one more wedding, i will disfigure myself or something.
If i get another wedding invitation, it will go straight to the bloody shredder.
If i have to eat at another wedding, i will throw up, i haven't decided where, too many options!
If i have to tolerate the waste of resources at one more wedding i will leave for the himalayas or to a land where weddings are banned!
I am sick and tired of the mess of weddings and attending them and looking for parking and wondering if you are the most under dressed person and watching all the ugly gold jewelery on even uglier aunties and the crying babies and the cameras and the yellow dirty lights and people and more people eating like they have never seen food before and then throwing away half the stuff on their plates because their greed wants them to try everything possible. It is just bloody uncouth and disgusting.
I could do with a few funerals now, for a change of scene, where everything is quiet and everyone is in black and i am not under pressure to smile and be told that i am next.
So, i am sick of weddings so what if i wish for a funeral. I just need a darned break.